About me
(warning: long and straightforward!)

Ever since 2006, and maybe way before I realized myself, I think I have matured yet even more. Or rather, I feel like I have come to be more at peace with myself if that makes more sense.  At peace with that Snapish bitterness in me. I used to be pretty Snapish at one point in my life (especially from 1998 to 2003) and learning how to get along with that part of me coincided a lot with the time I learnt about Snape.  However, since then, I have conquered back my kind side and let go of the depressed and bitter side of me. So much that when I met my dear friend Afictionado, she said I wasn't Snapish at all.  She couldn't have given me a better gift to prove that I was indeed free from what usually torments the mind of Snape-like people and turns them sour. The side I call my Snapish side was no more apparent.  I will always retain those traits inside though, I'm sure they will arise again if I'm pushed to my limits as I was in those Snapish years of mine.  Therefore, I will always feel an affinity with the Severus Snape character and a love for him, too. From the start and through the bitter end of the Harry Potter series, I believed in Snape and in his goodwill. Even when he killed Dumbledore, I knew it could not be his doing and that the hate in his eyes at that incredible literature moment would prove to be the hate of himself for killing someone he held dear like Albus.  So though I am now free of bitterness, coldness and snapping comments, I know I will forever easily understand this tragic character.  

What follows was written in 2002 and updated a bit in 2004.  Anf finally on January 2nd of 2006.  Where I made some changes, I' used a golden font to be more precise.  

I have decided to be plain honest here. I thought about it for a long time , and since the Internet gives me such anonymity, I resolved that I could easily allow myself to be so.  Indeed, I'm quite tired of looming in the dark and holding back on how I think or who I am.  Of course, some of you will find me too straightforward or open-hearted, but I have come to a point in live where I need to say things and get answers. The best way to get answers is through this website and in such an unconcealed manner .  In real life, I would not waste time trying to describe myself the way I'll do just now because it's hard to find someone who can actually grasp the whole of its significance.  The Internet, however, gives us all the opportunity to break out of isolation which is exactly my goal. If only one or two of you really grasp what I'm saying, then I'll be happy!  That is why I encourage any of you readers to be honest.  If you want to share things with me, it will be my pleasure as long as you are honest and introspective about it.  (I always keep all e-mail addresses and content anonymous to encourage you to do so. ) I must say I am exactly like Snape when it comes to this: be true and insightful, and you'll have an ally; be untrue or careless, and I'll be quite venomous.  

So, here goes:
I'm now 26 and already have a lot of hard trials and experience in my life-résumé!  That makes me quite mature in character or so I hope.  And though I think what I went through in life made me what I am, I have to admit I was always quite different from everybody else in the first place.  I believe myself  to be a kind of Snape.  Not exactly the Snape we all know, but a type of Snape.  Since I began this web site, I had to think a lot about Snape, his ways and personality... and that led me to think about myself, who I was, etc.  I already knew I was like Snape because this is what got me interested in him in the first place: I recognised and identified myself with him.  When most people say they can understand why Snape would be like this or that, I rather say that I know because I live and experience it.  Actually, I have dreamed to meet a Snape for as long as I can remember, even when I was very young!  Snape wasn't even born yet and I knew this is the kind of person I would like to be with.  Not "in love with", but at least in a friendly relation.

I have never fitted with people  my own age, but it's also hard with older people because they feel I'm too young.  However, it's not until they ask my age that they back up a bit. People always frown when I tell them my age.  They always thought I was older, but it's not because of my looks.  Therefore, I have been alone and isolated all of my life.  I never seem to grasp things or analyse them on the same level as those around me.  I always try to reach higher levels of understanding or knowledge, never satisfying myself upon what I'm given in class. That made me quite a good learner at school, hence I was one of the few students motivated enough to learn anything from boring lessons for example!  I am however not exactly like Hermione since I have no "know-it-all" attitudes in the sense that I memorize everything and go by the book no matter what.   I'm a teacher, my know-it-all side is mainly oriented into teaching new things to people. I only want to show off to dunderheads though, not to other people because in those cases, it's my genuine love for learning that takes over. Main reason why I love Hermione!  She's the closest after Snape to me though I prefer her in fan-fictions because the latter books and movies unfortunately disfigured her in my mind through her being a jeans-make-up-not-shy-doesn't-care-if-Ron-is-a-prat type of person x_x Anyhow, I'm very passionate about teaching because, if I could live on knowledge instead of food, I would gladly do so!  I love to share my knowledge because I value intelligence over beauty, unlike most people do. (And don't try to deny it!  I don't know many Snape fans who are not attracted to him for a physical reason)

Unfortunately, I do have a tendency to try to prove myself to others because I feel far from being accepted by them.  Just like raising your hand in class to say: "Here! I'm here don't forget about me!", this is how I keep trying to prove myself so people won't leave me alone ... though with my personality and interests, it happens anyway. But as I see it, it's not a matter of being accepted, but a matter of being different and being able to assume it.  To stand up for my own values and existence and not let go. Or else I would not be proud of myself and be able to look myself in the face. Guilt would eat me alive.  Hence, the need to exist through my intelligence makes me more demanding with myself and others, and this leads me to judge easily.  However, I try to judge on factual grounds or analysis of people, not on mere rumors or beauty. This might remind you of how Snape considers his students like dunderheads because in general they don't care about his lessons enough, which is very true!  (And don't try to deny how much students are not serious about their studies in general either!) Of course I'm often swayed and misled by my feelings, those get in the way because of my rigid standards and my feeling rejected all the time. This makes me so much more like Snape even though I've been able to regain much of my happiness and peace.  No matter how peaceful I may be, there will often be something to make my feelings flare and turn on  what I call the "Snape bitching inner switch" that goes off when I feel attacked or like I need to defend my point of view.

Being rigid  has a couple of advantages because my standards are very high so I give my best to everyone all the time and I don't accept laziness or stupidity, but on the other hand, I must admit that I categorise good people in the wrong category sometimes, much like Snape categorises Harry Potter in the "bad boy" category even if he's good at heart. That's often when my feelings get in the way, feelings or judgments, they are alike really.  I believe my 'categories' where I classify people are pretty accurate though most people think I'm always too hasty. Indeed, but then again, with time, I end up being a good seer. I guess I don't like people to disappoint me so I make sure I classify them well enough so I won't be hurt in the end... It's the same as Snape's grading system if you think about it! Better a lesser grade than feel sorry.   I'm pretty serious when it comes to that.  But when I say accepting people, I mean in my inner-circle only.  Otherwise, I accept everybody else with their qualities and flaws on a non-personal level. Dunderheads I have no connections with however get a 'special treatment'... the 'Snape bitching switch' goes back on in my head and/or out loud... Sometimes though not too often since my screening process is so elaborated and guarded, people I would not recommend anymore are thrown out of my very inner-circle.  That's what happened with my husband and past best friends (more explanations to come for the curious ones!). Once it happens, I will not be bad with them, I will still respect them as normal outsiders, but never more in my inner-circle.

Anyway, I prefer to have high standards and make bad judgments on good people than lower them and accept to live within an inner-circle full of dunderheads who care for nothing more than frivolities.  No offence meant to anybody by the way!  I do not look down on people as harsh as Snape because he doesn't seem to have anybody else but Dumbledore in his.  I can appreciate the qualities of each person, unless the faults are too recurrent of course!  So, for example, I would try my best to help people like Neville to get better in a subject they find difficult, but I would let people who don't try enough struggle out by themselves once I'd realise my teaching/help was wasted on them.  I'll always try hard to help anyone, but if I see they are just wasting my time because they employ no efforts at all, well I give up on them.  It doesn't happen often though because I'm very tough in my inner/outer life division.  All my students are in the outer circle of course, that's why I'm not a harsh teacher or a teacher who only encourages good students. It's very hard with misbehaving ones however though I am trying to learn more about compassion and using other techniques to help them. In my inner-life however, there's nothing I hate more than laziness and someone who acts stupid when he has the ability to act in an intelligent manner! I can't support it when a person like that has influence in my life. My protection is that  I always draw a deep line between my personal and external worlds. Keeps me from being hurt too hard, just like Snape. I'm sure he's just like me, very easy to spite and hurt... so we attack first!  When I accept someone in my inner-circle (meaning friends and family) I'm very exigent because of that. I won't accept their being mean on purpose with me. It's fine that we discuss things out, that we're angry and let it out so as to sort everything out in the end, but no backstabbing or dishonesty;  For all the others, I consider them in my outer-circle meaning that I'm not too exigent with them because they don't influence my personal life so much. I will get angry at them, but not to their face or if I do, I'll use all my Slytherin cunning to make my points clear while remaining politically correct. You may hear very harsh comments about them from me according to my principles and standards (Ron is one I have a hard time with because of his behaviour towards Hermione which I take personally to heart no matter how much he can be generous, sorry for that), but I'd never tell lies about them. Never. Hypothesis, never gossip! And I've never hated someone enough to with them ill, too. That's another of my life principle. Yes, I wish Life would teach them what they make me go through, but not demotion or anything awful. In a word, I'm a rational, therefore, I just observe and judge from my own classification, not from what most people do.  That's something my family says I have to work upon because that makes me lonely in my inner-life!  Yes, but at the same time, I do not have great social skills. Again that reminds you of someone ; )

  On the other hand though, and this might be the death of me, I still crave to show that I exist, that I'm good, that I'm right because if  I don't show it, I think I might fall into nothingness.  That's the counter part of being and thinking differently. So, I try to please, to prove, to look perfect too much for my own taste!  In that sense, yes, I look like Hermione, but since I don't try to openly overdo it, I look more like Snape in matters of being recognised.  As long as I know people trust me and know how clever I am, it's fine. Well... of course I would be happy for all to praise me like any star, that's a human lust, but I know it would make me snob somehow, so I prefer personal praises. It's safer for my ego, and I do believe the same happens to Snape. I hate snobbish people so much (surely because it would be easy to be very snobbish myself) so I try to keep out of what could make me so. One other reason for this is that, even when I am praised, there always seems to be someone better than me. So, in my perfectionism, I'm still unhappy and ashamed not to be perfect. And there I go again trying to compete even though I know I'm already better off than a lot of people. In a word, I'm pretty much like Snape who must like to know he has Dumbledore's secret respect and trust, but at the same time, I'm sure he would like public recognition!  An Order of Merlin for example or just someone to acknowledge that Harry is a rule breaker for example. I've noticed that people/characters like me and Snape often like to be acknowledged, surely from lack of social recognition or acceptance.  And when someone is without us thinking it right (like with Potter), that's when feelings again overcome our heads!
I truly hate myself for that flaw.  Indeed, even though I have chosen many times in my life to remain alone rather than lower my standards to please people around me, I still feel the need to be recognised by them. The difference is, when I think myself above some people, I don't feel the need to prove myself to them.  I only do with it people I  respect or consider authority, mainly my teachers. Remember when Snape wanted to prove he was right about Sirius Black?  He wouldn't accept the fact that Dumbledore took for Harry, someone lower than him.  Same feeling here! I feel that I need to prove how good and right I am compared to people I consider lower than me in their actions and principles.  Ever wondered why Snape looks so grumpy at times? Here's part of  the answer! Being alone and different makes you want and lust for what normal people, especially the popular ones, have, but, without being like them or sinking at their level of course! I pretty much dislike popular people like Snape did for super James and unearned famous Harry Potter.  And don't even get me started on rich beautiful people or superstars!  I respect real artists with talent, but not those who have to practically dance naked to get some fame or who are only looks and no brains!  Luckily for me, Alan Rickman is intelligent, talented and educated in the old arts so that saves him from my flames about most artists these days!  

My exceptionally loving  family has made sure I did not end up like the wizard equivalent of a Death Eater.  Honestly, in 2001-2002, I was hellish to be around!  Imagine Snape in a kindergarden and you'll know how I was!  Then, I discovered I wasn't doing what I liked and I made drastic changes in my life. With the forgiveness of my family, I repented myself for all the bad things I've said mostly because I was so stressed out by my past life and tried to take power over it.  My family was so astonished by the change that they forgave me everything. I must mention that the big changes I just referred to meant my husband and career orientation.   Today, I feel better than I ever was in my entire life! And today in 2006, I know that I made the right choice back then! I think I did repent and went back on my tracks just in time!  Unless, I might never have forgiven myself.  I'm not a criminal, far from that actually.  But I was hard on people I loved and I was constantly mad at everything thanks to me being sick and unhappy in a situation that looked good. But my husband made me like that: my family even believed I was on the verge of needing psychological assistance in an hospital (not just anti-depressant) when it turned out that it was my husband who was making me so and convincing my family I was the problem. It all changed the day I got separated. The change was so drastic in my attitude that we all understood that it was my husband who was making me feel so bad. I got free from him psychologically which is an exploit in itself because he was very persuasive (no violence, but pseudo-logic he is not even aware he is using!) I had waited all my life to meet someone who would take me like I am, and he was the first. With his hard life. I thought he was much like Darcy in fact. But he turned out incapable of breaking free of his education of falsehood and lies. And he is not what he preached he was.  I had ended up with Wickham!! x_x Eek! So, in a long run, since he couldn't keep up being what he knew I wanted in a man, he tried to change me. That's where I should have ran away, but his argumentation was so convincing that I believed him. And there I began to get sick and mad... until I broke free from it. That was after the wedding however because that's when he changed drastically and stopped keeping up the appearances that he was something he wasn't!  Big honeymoon surprise I tell you!  No one expected it, even me with my so well built people-categorization system!  I married a gentleman and ended up with a boy! Imagine Draco Malfoy believing he is nice and honest, and persuading you that he is making efforts to break free from his education when in fact, he's not.  Add the fact that his persuasion powers are infinite, his logic infallible and that you are the one who should change as well so he won't lose you.  The result is your doubting yourself and end up crazy!  However, since I broke free from this man and stopped trying to be like other people, I feel so good!   Now, I just accept and assume myself like I am, and one character that inspired me to assume myself regardless of my difference was Snape.  That's the first reason I instantly fell for Snape: because I could relate to someone with tpretty much the same traits of character !  Not that I'm exactly like him, but I rely to the character because I lived similar things, and because we seem to have similar ways of thinking and values.  But I sure have the potential of being like him had I grown up somewhere else than my family. Before Snape, it was the Phantom of the Opera I relied to (and still is) and whom I consider a great "Snape-like" character in his own sense and environment.  

I am very sarcastic, but not to an evil or malevolent point.  I never intend to hurt, only show what I think was obvious or stupid.  I am intelligent, logical and witty too.  As I said but can't repeat enough, I hate stupidity, laziness and lack of logic!  I get pretty impatient in those cases.  However, since I can control myself better now, I can support being around others and try to help them as much as I can.  Like a teacher.  On a less personal level, I'm great and I can be a very good teacher indeed.  However, when I get too close to people, when I'm not teaching, it's hard to stand being around people who don't have the same interests as me!  Especially since I am quite the classic, intellectual and rational type!  I hate triviality, it bores me to death unless there's a direct link to a passionating subject involved.  So, I don't like bars, flirting, drinking, normal things, etc.  A trip to the library or a documentary on television are far better occupations for me!   That's why I always stayed alone.  I prefer to stay alone than lower my standards to please other people.  And why should I do so when nobody ever wants to please me in return?  You get what you give after all. I do what they want, but nobody wants to do what I want because it's boring them. But, isn't their stuff as equally boring for me?  My brother tells me I'm the boring one because most people do what I dislike, but I don't believe that.  And since no one is ready to give me what I give them, I stay alone. If you are my friend, I show an absolute confidence and trust in you. I will always help you out or change my schedule to help you or meet you. And I know my friend will do the same for me. But as I learned the hard way, rare are people who will be able to do so.  And it gets worse when money is involved. Trust and honesty are the hardest things to find on this earth.  Justice is important to me. So, since my family accepted that I don't like social gatherings because of the ever "how's your baby doing" "did you notice the neighbour's new..." conversations and predictable movie watching, we have a great relation.  They know that in a family meeting, I might retrieve in my own corner and not talk much in order not to become harsh in my language. However, with most people, I feel misunderstood and that draws me even farther from them.  That's why I retrieve myself in my books and studies!  If I don't, I become hellish.  Can you recognize Snape in what I just said? 

I think I created this website because I felt I needed to know why other people liked Snape while, in reality, Snape would have no one to support him at all!  Rowling is quite realistic by letting Snape all alone and hated in her story.  I know myself from experience!  Rare are those who will keep having a friendship with people like us because they know they will get answers quite straight in the face, they'll be rejected or judged easily, or they'll be told truth they don't want to know.  Or they'll be asked to be totally truthful and not play in our backs because we won't unless it's for your good.  Or because we sacrifice a lot for others, we are perfectionists and are very demanding. Or that we are difficult to be around because of our tendency to keep everything for ourselves because of bad experience with people or retrieve when there are too much people around talking about nothing.  You get the idea! At least, that happens until we include you in our inner-circle. Then all changes. So are there people who truly love the character, just admire him, could live with him or are just like him?  Those are my questions!  That's why I keep everything confidential: I want the truth. I'd be lying if I'd tell you I feel good being alone all the time! I survive quite well, but if life were different, I would be with at least one person like me all the time!  But alas, our kind is very rare!  And some of us are still Death Eaters, others don't know, others think they are so great intellectuals, others are like Malfoy, etc... It's endless somehow!  That's also why I encourage Snape in romance fan-fictions because nobody wants to remain alone no matter what. It's a basis human need to be recognised and loved.

Now in 2006, I can say that ever since 2002, though it took almost two years, I finally got real friends as in REAL FLESH FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT ME AND DON'T TRY TO JUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER.  The first was Afictionado, and now I have one I call my Lupin-lady (who inspired all Lupin-involved Snape Journal) and one other, Phillipa, who wrote a lot lately for the HBP. I also have good acquaintances with whom it's nice to talk and exchange over the Internet. However, please allow me to tell you how incredible experiencing friendship like people do in movies has been these last years' most wonderful gift ever!  Even though they live far from me, they understand me and I've learnt  to confine in them without fear. I can be who I am and it's the greatest feeling in the world! Thank you! Like I said at the beginning of this solliloquy, if only two visitors understood I would be happy. Well I can say my objective was surpassed!

Well, if you've been reading well, you can see I am a kind of Snape in my own ways.  And you should also see why I'm doing this.  Upon that, I bid you a good day,

Lady Claudia