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Created: April 13th, 2003
Updated: October 1st, 2004 - New Snape response - click on bookmark!

Lady Claudia:

 General appeal to help! Click here!

(April 13th, 2003) I found the author of the list!  Thanks to my reading Numair Magelet's fan-fiction, I was able to contact the original creator of this entertaining list!  Amanda, the author of course, allowed me to post it and use it as I did here.  She's a very nice lady I think and deserves that her list be NOT COPIED WITHOUT PROPER CREDITS. I'm saying so because it has happened a lot to her list, she told me herself.  I think it's horrible that people posted, edited or even claimed it as their own!!  First, because Amanda deserves to get credits and reviews for her work. Secondly, because she saw some posting overflowing with mistakes.  The proof was that, when I first posted it myself, I had to correct a lot of spelling mistakes and capitalized about everything!  All in all, stealing or reposting just isn't good!  Like I said, she's very kind, so if you e-mail her, she'll send you the list if you accept to give her full credits for it and keep it as it is!  She told me she allowed people to use it for fan-fiction or posting on those conditions which is very generous! Therefore, ask before!

Amanda originally posted her list on Fanfiction.net until lists were banned!  Since then, she's been homeless!  I intend to give her a warm and cosy home here where she'll get all credits and rights on the integrity of her work!  Welcome, dear Amanda!

You know, however serious I tend to be, this list got me to smile a lot. Not on Snape's behalf, but rather on the fact that Amanda seems to know exactly what Snape would hate the most!  

I've put a little arrow sign  next to those I think are quite original or so far-fetched it might even work! (Amanda said that a lot of my favourites were hers too!)

Please, for Amanda's sake REVIEW!
N
o flames! I won't tolerate any! So I better never hear of Amanda complaining!  ; )

Numair Magelet's Annoying Professor Snape
Make sure to check out this fanfiction which is inspired on this list! Hermione definitely acts out of character since she would not have agreed to the plot to begin with, but if you believe that Snape tries not to give in to the temptation of showing how annoyed he really is, he doesn't appear so out of character! This is a humorous fic, so bear that in mind!  

 


 

 

 
 
 

  Snape's reactions to these pranks


The text in pale yellow is Amanda's property.  
The text in golden as well. Even the disclaimers which I found quite funny!

The text in brown is mine.
 I just inspired myself from Amanda's prank ideas to guess
what Snape would say or what punishement he would invent for the pranksters!
They can be actions, thoughts, aloud speeches, reactions, etc
I used the feminine voice because it was written by a woman! .


 Bookmarks

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51 to 101

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351 to 404


 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Professor Snape

1 to 101

Amanda:
DISCLAIMER: Snape doesn't belong to me. Shame about that. I'd give him a good home.

"OK, whether you like the fearsome Potions Master or not - any or all of these suggestions are sure to grate on his grumpy little nerves."50 points to your house if you spot ALL the Alan Rickman movie references. (Known Rickmaniacs don't count - they get 50 points just for being who they are :) )

 

1. Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use.
"Snape thinking: If I ever catch the student who did that, he'll eat rabbit brain for the rest of his time at Hogwarts! Or maybe,(sly voice) I'll transfigure him into a rabbit, put him in a cage and sell him to a petshop. Of course I'll have to purchase him back and... then again, maybe not!"

2. Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it?
"
Snape outloud:  Sorry, I do not sympathize with werewolf lovers! Move along and stop wasting my time!"

3. Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.
"
Snape: Unless I got so drunk last night, and hence accepted Sybill Trelawey's incessant wedding proposals, this flower-girl will soon realize how beautiful flowers can look on a tomb. Her tomb!"

4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'
"
Snape out loud: What?  Not again!"

5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.
"Snape thinking: Dumbledore, old man, you've gone and done it! How am I to get any respect around here?" 

6. Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next.
"Snape out loud: Whomever dunderheads thought this was funny will pay with their lives!  And I mean every reincarnation as well!

7. Get an owl. Name it after him.
"Snape thinking: I heard my name, but she's definitely talking to that owl of hers! That's strange. I must be exhausted.

8. Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.
The first time, Snape eyes the student very suspiciously before resuming his way. The third time, Snape definitely knows he's the target. Therefore, he points a menacingly finger at you and shouts: "You better keep your mouth shut next time I pass by you 'cause I swear that stupid sound you've been making will be the last you hear ever!"

9. Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.
"Snape to you: 50 points from your House!"  Snape thinking and insulted: How dare they use my vindictive techniques!!"

10. Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff.
"That morning in the Forbidden Forest, a sweet melody to Aragog's ears could be heard: "Ahaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

11. Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart.
"Snape thinking while of course breaking whatever he was holding due to repressed anger: "If I ever can get my hands on Lupin just once more time, I'll put him in a closet with his dam&?% boggart and wait until he looses consciousness.  Oh yeah!!"

12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape.
"Snape: Confiscated!" Later that day: "Here's to you for all those bad night's sleep you gave me, Potter. How many times have I had to prowl the corridors to make sure you didn't end up in a million piece?  Do you know that? And this is for your father who kept doing the same kind of pranks I seem to be the victim of these days!" (Note: due to the unprecedent violence done to the Voodoo doll, the horrible toy-crime of Snape have been censured)

13. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.
"Snape outloud:I think you could use a visit to Mme Pomphrey.  I was told she had a very painful yet effective remedy for people affected with dysphasia! (
loss of or deficiency in the power to use or understand language as a result of injury to or disease of the brain)"
  
14. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. )
"Snape almost barking: Detention! With Filch! All week!" Then, in a sly voice:"You see, that's what happens when Bad-Snape wins! A shame Good-Snape didn't have better arguments!"

15. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'
"Snape doesn't get it and takes you for a mental. Well, that was already the case, but that worsen his opinion of you!

16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the Whomping Willow'
"Snape to himself: There's no way I'm ever attending a party with a dog and a werewolf in a stinking hole underground! Well, I don't know why I'm making excuses. I never attend party, period.
 

17. Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll-call.
"Snape to you: I have just developed a very efficient way to cure voice extinction. Unfortunately, I hadn't had a single guinea pig to try it on yet. Maybe you would like volunteer.  For the progress of magic of course!"

18. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject. Use it at every available opportunity.
"Snape thinking: This is not happening, this is not happening. I can't believe this is happening!"

19. Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.
"Snape to himself: She leaves each time I pick up my spoon. I think this girl is getting too focused on me. Just to annoy me or something. But I won't give in. I don't want to show her how it unnerves me. That's all she wants but I won't give her that pleasure.

20. 'Need a brush over there Professor?'
"Snape thinking really hard: Is this a prank or not? Better not take chances, ignore the comment and use my legendary "run before I bottle you" eyes" Then I'll be alone to check if anything's the matter with my hair..

21. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.
"Snape to himself: I smell something fishy here... Oh really, Severus, I think you're getting paranoiac!"

22. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.
"Snape: I can't believe this clown is still so popular around here! It just proves my point: they all are dunderheads!"

23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit, but can also sing.'
"Snape: I don't think I came in at the best of times.  Surely they were waiting for someone else judging from their faces." 

24. Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.
"Snape: What!!"  Outloud and striding in the corridors to catch the prankster: "If I ever catch you, believe me, it's your head that's going to be stuck in that box for the rest of the year! And I'm not talking about a fake one!"

25. Charm his hair into dreadlocks.
"Snape thinking: Why are people looking at me?  And laughing...? "  Taking a hand to his head: "No, it can't be!  Not like Lockhart's , anything but not like this twit!" 

26. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.
"Discouraged Snape: Why me? Why people feel the need to shower me all the time? My hair are naturally greasy, that's all!

27. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid'
"Snape thinking: Oh, no, another groupie! Can't they see Potter is bound to act like he does because of all this attention he's getting!? I'm sure I'll never see something as stupid as these on their notes ever!"  

28. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'
"Snape: "I shouldn't have said that!"

29. Offer him tequila.
"Snape outloud: Tequila? Isn't that one of those Muggle drinks?  -Yes!  -Well then I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate it. " Inner-thoughts: And have a good go at it because these days, and I don't know why, but I have been the victim of so much horrible pranks!"

30. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.
"Snape out loud: For your sake I do hope it has nothing to do with me! Or else I would remove it myself with very painful methods indeed!"

31. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean.
"Snape out loud: Maybe this kind of behaviour towards sweets is allowed in Dumbledore's office, but believe me in my classroom, nothing as remote as this has ever been accepted. 10 points from your House.  And run to the kitchens to hand in your plate before I use the crumbs, mix them to your potion and test it on you afterwards!"

32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.
"Snape: Didn't I say so last class?  Or am I getting flashbacks from nightmares?  I just have this feeling of déjà vu.  No, it's definitely not me, she keeps doing it." Out loud: "Miss, as glad I am that you finally decided to retain something useful from my classes, please refrain from quoting them word for word, it lowers my already low esteem of you because quoting, I believe, is for people who can't think for themselves!" 

33. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasleyesque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it.
"Snape: It's more than time that the Weasley twins graduate!"

34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.
"Incredulous Snape: Maybe I should warn Dumbledore about this. This student has certainly been taking some illicit concoctions during the summer. This looks everything like a friendship letter, yet it's addressed to me!"

35. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'
"Snape: Oh no! Close your eyes, maybe the vision will disappear... No, it hasn't. It's really a student dressed like me.  Oh no, he's referring himself as "mini-Snape".  Will they ever leave me in peace!?"  Out loud: "Alright, you've had your fun. Now let me have mine!"

36. Ask him what his middle name is.
"Snape in a cold impatient voice: It's Severus Mind-your-own-business-if-you-ever-want-to-graduate-alive-and-in-one-piece Snape. Is that clear enough for your little brain?"

37. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'
Snape in a grave ironic voice:"Ah, ah, ah! This is so hilarious!  Bunch of babies! Alright, WHO did this? Minerva?" 

38. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin.
Snape breaks the sugar quills he was holding and nervously lets it crumble to the floor with a look that speaks miles.  

39. Talk back in class. With a bad Scottish accent.
Snape unimpressed and out loud: "Indeed! Maybe you should check at the infirmary if Mme Pomphrey has a cure for dialectal disorders. If she can't find it, remind her to look under the letter D. For "Dumb".  

40. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'
Snape to himself: That's it!  I promised Dumblendore not to kill myself but that's surely excluded THAT!" -Later that day with Dumbledore: "I'm sorry Severus, but your promise also included such occasions as this.  Why else would I have had you promise me?  Don't worry!  I'll fix this for you!" (Lady Claudia: I have just listened to the song for the first time ever!  Amanda!  That is so low!!  I can't believe you thought of something so abominable for our poor Snape! That's got to be the worse of the lot!  If you don't know the song, here it is!

41. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.
"Snape thinking: Everybody is looking at me again.  Just as when I had dreadlocks. Better find a mirror."  Some minutes later, Hagrid from his hut heard this very weird sound: "Ahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')
"Snape after class: "As much as I enjoy serious students, this may be a little too much. Therefore, if you ever want to discuss whether what I say is correct or not, do so with me.  Then again, that would surely prove a waist of time since I'm always right when it comes to potions! Dismissed!"

43. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions
"Snape to the Hufflepuff who of course understood the underlying meaning of good cleansing potions: "You know how much I like academic perfection. Your late extra-curricular essays have surprised me indeed. But in order to give you any points for it, I would need proofs of their effectiveness. Therefore, I'll be expecting you to show up tonight at 7 o'clock to start applying theory to reality.  Fortunately for you, Longbottom has once again blown up his cauldron all over the classroom and it could really use the benefits of those strong cleansing-potions you've been referring to! You'll hand me your results on a 5 foot long essay, tomorrow morning. Have I left anything unsaid?" 

44. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table.
"Snape thinking: Oh come on! Can't I have a bit of relaxing time once in a while!"  Suddenly the culprit's plate inexplicably found itself in his face!  With a smile, Snape rises and passes nearby : "My, my! I thought at your age you would have stopped playing with your food! But I guess I was wrong, for once. You should get yourself clean, really. You look like a one year old baby after his meal!"

45. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!'
"Snape, who can't see a thing and who is still flabbergasted by the effect of the Lumos: "Out! Everybody out!  And YOU! (Pointing in the wrong direction) Report yourself to Filch at 7 tonight for the worst punishment of your life!"

46. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.
"Snape out loud: Did you talk to me?  - No, I was talking to my quill, Snappie!  Snape frowns gravely and says: "Then if it ever answers you back, I believe you should think of consulting a psychiatrist or something. I won't tolerate more brain-damaged students in my class. I have enough on my hands already!" 

47. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
"Snape thinking: That can't be right!  The old maid having a crush on me?  I though she had it for Dumbledore!  Hum... I'll have to be more careful"

48. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
"Snape in a disgusted tone: Argh! No way!  I refuse to believe that!  Oh, only the thought of... Shrug!! I better take a shower and wash thoroughly before I am heart-sick.  

49. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.
"Snape out loud: So you think you can command me, is it?  We'll see about that...

50. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.
"... Now you've done it!  I can't believe you did that on purpose!  Out with everyone!  That doesn't deserve a detention, it deserves an expulsion!"  Later that day: "Why can't Dumbledore believe me?  Caused by an emotionally affected student he says. The student wanted my attention he says!  Right, that student is more insanely affected than anything else! Why am I still teaching here? Oh yes, because nobody else will take me in... "   

51. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.
"Snape out loud: Let me go!  Who would be stupid enough to sing such follies?"   Inwardly: To the Bat-cave, fast!"

52. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.
"Snape grinds his teeth together very loudly"

53. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'
"Snape thinking really really hard: Summer 72?  72? What did I do that summer?  Eek!  No, no, stay calm!  You did use protection!  This is only a frame!" (Lady Claudia: Please dear Snape-fans, don't be obfuscated! This is only an hypothesis, ok!)
"Snape: Bring a friend?  That's a problem... I wouldn't have one to being with. But what am I saying, I don't need anybody to defend myself! You perfectly know how to defend yourself when you've been the victim of the Marauders for 7 years "


54. Refer to him as 'Cuddles'
"Snape thinking: It's time for my appointment with my magical physician! I need to get my ears fixed! Or my brain!

55. Smile at him. All the time.
"Snape: This is so unnerving!  I can't believe this smile would have more effect than seeing Potter sit in my class for all those years!  Why is she always smiling?  Does she know something about me?  Argh! I can't take it anymore!"

56. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'
"Snape: What's this? A newsletter?  The Daily Snape!? What the !*&?%! Reading one random page: "Today our dearest Potions Master will be available for you all in the Dungeons from 6am to 7am. Then, he'll have a nice and copious breakfast in the Great Hall, and, at 7:50 exactly, he'll go down to prepare for his first potion class.  So if you need to ask him anything, we advice you to do so before he departs because, afterwards, he's sure to be very vindictive since his lesson today start off with Double Potions with Slytherins and Gryffindors.  Here's a more detailed schedule of his going-about during the day... " Crunching the newsletter hard in his hands, Snape was fuming!  "If I catch the donkey who wrote that shi*&% , trust me, I'll publish a newsletter detailing every possible ways to use young human parts in potions!"

57. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.
"Snape: She's been humming that song for long enough. Out loud: "Miss, would you care to enlighten us on why you've been humming for the last hour?  ... No response... Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to sing the whole song aloud so that everyone can help me guess why you've been doing so!  -She starts singing and when Snape realises it could be directly dedicated to him he says: "That will be enough, MIss. I don't want my students to turn deaf out of hearing you! Now, let's resume our lesson"  
(Lady Claudia: for those you don't know this song, see the
lyrics here.

58. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.
"Snape: I won't say it, I won't say it, I won't say it!"  After nagging him for long enough, Snape cracks up and spits it out: "Alright, I'll tell you!  I saved his sorry butt because I care about the little fool! He may be a pretentious wonderboy, but that's no excuse not to save him, I have a conscience you know! Clear?  Now stop bugging me!" 

59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.
"Snape out loud: Detention! That will teach you to mind your own business!"  Inwardly: "That's the first time I ever get complimented for telling a student off! Maybe there's hope for her after all"

60. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'
"Snape out loud: Detention's Up, Miss!"

61. Sneak into his chambers. Put Blast-Ended-Skrewts in his underwear drawer (click the link to know what that is).
"Snape went to look into his drawer in the morning after hearing some very weird noise. Upon opening the drawer: "What the hell is that? It has stings, it's slimy, there's no head, it smells like rotten fish, and there are legs sprawling out of everywhere!  My God!  They burned everything in there! I wonder if I can make a good potion out of that... thing.  Better not tell Hagrid about this, he'll want them back before I can make experiments! For once I don't mind the prank! Well, maybe I mind the underwear, but I can always transfigure myself some until I get to Diagon Alley"   

62. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers.
"When Snape enters the classroom and sees this he calmly says: "Well. Looks like Sybill Trelaway came over and left some evidence of her passage!  Miss Granger, would you kindly go up to the her office and bring her back those horrible things before I discover who really did this and try to shove them back up where they belong...on the culprit of course!"  

63. Go Christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.
"Snape half-asleep: Do I hear Christmas caroling or is it just a dream?  No, I'm not dreaming, it's 5 o'clock and someone is Christmas caroling at my door!  That's impossible, we're in the middle of July!  Students have not come back yet... Minerva!!!"

64. Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion.
"Snape who has been ignoring your requests for the past five classes: "Very well...  You've just won yourself the happy pleasure of writing me a 12 foot long essay on love-potions.  You'll see how much I know about it when I grade it next class!"

65. Charm his hair bright orange.
"Snape looking in the mirror: Ahahhaaaaaaaaaa!  Not again! Why do people always get at my hair?  Once I had dreadlocks, another time they were pink and now this! Please, just leave my hair alone! Anybody ever thought about the effects of these pranks on my hair?  Nooooo of course! Everyone just assumes my hair is greasy because I don't wash them..."  

66. Ask him if he wants a massage.
"Snape, during one of your detentions, looks like he could use a massage. So you propose it to him... Then, with his cold and stern look: "Keep your hands for the O-how horribly dirty cauldron left over there! Believe me, you'll be in need of every ounce of arm-power you can get!"

67. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'
"Snape realising what you are doing: "What in Heavens' name are you doing here?  Get out of here and be prompt for detention for the rest of the week!  I'll make sure you'll get to bed so late at night you'll be too tired to think of anything as stupid as this in the morning!"

68. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change them to 'Fluffy White Kittens' and 'Flowers & Lollipops'
"Snape trying to get in: What's the matter with these doors?  The password isn't working. "  Then, Snape being a great wizard, he is able to decipher a way to know the new password: "Fluffy White Kitten?!%  This has to be the worst password in the world!  Even Dumbledore didn't think of that one for sure! I won't say it out loud.  Two hours later: "Alright, alright, I'll say it.  I have to get into my office one day!  
Later that day, after a long potions class, Snape was going back to his quarters when : "What?  Not again!  Oh well, Fluffly White Kittens. "  The door doesn't open.  "Don't tell me they invented another sickeningly cute password for my quarters as well! Argh!!" 


69. Drool in your potion.
"Snape comes to you in a hurry, pushes you aside and shouts in an incredulous voice: "Are you insane?  This potion is useless now! What's the matter with you?  I knew teenage hormones could really tamper with someone's brain, but never to the level of drooling all over the place!  God, give me patience!" With this episode, you've really reach a new level of exasperation in Snape!

70. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'
Snape spatting: "If this is one of your silly childish games, I don't even want to know about it!  10 points from your House for sheer.. density!

71. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.
"Snape in an incredulous look shouts: Out, out, out!"

72. Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their hair. Use your imagination.
"Snape: What's that smell?  It smells like... sniff, sniff... poppies?   Wait a minute. People are looking at me with that kind of look again... Snape moves his head down to smell his hands and then realises something's moving on his head.  He reaches, understands, violently grabs the poppies out of his head when suddenly Dumbledore comes in: "Ah! Severus!  Flowers?  For Mme Pomphrey I guess! But I though her birthday was only in 2 weeks!"  Snape feels cornered: "No... I mean, yes. No! What I mean to say is.. -Yes, Severus?  - Ah! Forget it!" And then Snape throws the flowers on the floor and hurries away before the old man can add anything else! 

73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.
"Snape: Alan who?  - Alan Rickman! He must be part of your family, you look so much like him!  - I'm sure I look nothing like this..this Alan-whatyoumacallit! Anyway, coming from you, I'm sure this is an insult, so I'd rather never meet the man!" 

74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.
"Snape is getting nervous: Is it me or is she winking each time our eyes cross?  No, that can't be a coincidence.  She's really winking at me!!  But why?  Do I have something on my face?  Does she know something I should?  Is she a Death Eater?  Does she have a crush on me?  God forbid it! Oh!!! This is driving me crazy! Just ignore her! I don't want her to know it's affecting me!"

75. When he next deducts points from you, (and he will) threaten to drop him from 32 stores.
"Snape out loud: You little overgrown baby! Stop acting like a kid and start acting like your age! You deserve what's coming at you, period!"  

76. Call him Severus.
"Snape out loud: If I'm not mistaken I'm still your teacher and you're still my student. And even when that won't be the case anymore, there is no way that I'll ever allow you to refer to me on a first-name basis. 20 points from your House! 

77. If you're brave, call him Sev.
-Then can I call you, Sev?  -50 points!

78. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'.
"-Ok then, Sevvie-kins maybe?  -75 points! 

79. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins'
"Why won't you let me call you that my precious-little Sevvie-kins?  - That's it!  100 points PLUS a week's worth of the most horrible detention I can think of!  Now, my precious-little-twit, do you feel I'm giving you enough attention or are you still lacking some?  Because if you are still lacking attention like Dumbledore suggested before I'll make sure Filch and all the Slytherins are on the case. Capiche?

80. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.
"Snape in his cool silky voice: Miss, do you really want to know exactly how "delicious" these ingredients are?  I'll be happy to assist you in this gustatory quest of yours! Oh yes!  With any luck, you'll want to start with those poisoned snake fangs and then maybe we'll have some peace in this class for once!

81. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene.
"Snape out loud: Believe me, you don't want to know!"  Thinking: "I hope that scared her off for good! Well, usually it works, but this girl keeps coming back for more! I should talk Mme Pomphrey about that.  Maybe she's mental! Oh I just wish she is. I'll be there the day they send her to St. Mungo's fool department!"

82. Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva.
"Snape: How am I supposed to get rid of these?  They're so innocent I'd really feel bad eating them! And they're named Minerva as well!  Argh! Why can't I NOT feel guilty about this!  Oh well, let's get back to the pet shop..."

83. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around.
"Snape : Ok, let's recapitulate: I've made my angry eyes, my killing eyes, I screamed at them, I threatened them, I put them under detention, and I've even tried my threats about poisoning one of them but nothing worked. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do is to ignore them. Eventually, let's hope before I'm fit for St-Mungo myself, they will stop!"

84. Send him Valentines in February.
"Snape receiving his valentines: Oh, no! Not false Valentines again!  I hate it when they do that!  Damn that blasted holiday!  I never received a true valentine in my life!  Why do they keep trying to get at me?  Even if I ever received a real one, I would never know because I never dare to eat the chocolates in case they are poisoned or open the cards in case they explode!"  And he spent the rest of the day brooding alone or being insipid to the students! (Lady Claudia: Are you happy now, you made our dear Snape sad!)

85. Send him Valentines in August.
"Snape: Well, that's a first!  I never thought I would ever be surprised by a valentine anymore! But, wait a minute... kids have not come back to Hogwarts yet!  So who could.. ahhaaaaaaah! Snape shouted and dropped the valentines (cards and chocolates) as if they were venomous. "They must be from Sybil!  Oh!!  I need a shower!" 

86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a certain blonde Slytherin.
"Snape, after taking a shower and getting back to his senses: "What's this?  A note on the floor" Picking it up and reading.  "What?!!  From a blonde Slytherin?  What's the meaning of this? Who could..." Snape stopped in mid-sentence and shouted: "Draco?"  After another shower, Snape got back to his normal self: "No, no, no, no, no! That can't be Draco! He's not gay for sure with all the girls he's been going out with and with all the times I had to bring him back to his own bed after curfew. So who could it be?..." With a stern look Snape said THE word: Potter! He hates Draco and I to that point for sure! (Lady Claudia: Poor Potter!  Now you've gone and done it!  Snape will get at him on your account! Are you happy?!  Just joking!)

87. Offer him sweets. Every chance you get. Insist that he try the green ones.
"Snape tbinking: Someone's offering me a sweet!  This has to be a prank, I will not believe it is not so... I've been dumb one time and ended up in the infirmary, thanks to James Potter and his Marauders!" Out loud: "No thank you. Just seeing you smile like that reminds me of the terrible consequences sweets can do to your teeth. I'd rather keep mine as perfect as they are and not look like an old hag".

88. Set his robes on fire.
"-You're on fire, Sir!  -Oh really! says he in an unimpressed tone. "I cannot fathom how you managed to remain at Hogwarts for so long when you can't even remember you already used this prank with me!  I'm not going to make a fool of myself again by looking at.. -But Sir I swear  - Don't interrupt me you insolent!" he shouts. "I can't believe you're that desperate to get my attention or I should rather say my detentions.  And.. -Oh my God, Severus! You're on fire! says Minerva.  -What!!?%  Snape looks angrier than ever and since he can't really accuse you of doing it because you tried to warn him, well, he's even more angry. So he puts out the fire, swirls around and vanishes from everybody's sight for the rest of the day. Brooding! Minerva: "What's the matter with him? He did not even thank his student!  Will he ever learn to be civil once in a while?!"

89. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you.
"-Oh my! Help me, professor Snape! My robes are on fire! -What's this noise? Then, Snape realises you are indeed on fire but that the situation is not so urgent.  -Save me, professor Snape!! I'm afraid!" you tell him with supplicating and panicked eyes.  Snape is says quite sadly: "Oh well, if I must!"  And with a reluctant smile he saves you.  -Oh thank you so much, professor!!  I thought I was going to die!  Thank you!" And then, jump in his arms in an excess of joy. Now THAT will really get on his nerves!!

90. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons
"Snape out loud: Miss, I had the impression that this was a Potions class, not a contest for the worst drawings ever. Go get yourself clean and come back as soon as possible. We'll test your antidote on you. That might remind you to be more attentive next time!"

91. Follow him around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more.
"Snape, quite desperate by now of course, passes his hand on the length of his face in a gesture of hopelessness. "Oh God! First the cheerleaders and  now this! I've tried everything! And Albus won't allow me to cast a silencing spell on a student!" Sigh!  "Well, at least she's not singing some Sesame Street songs!" Big shrug.  "OH! said Snape in a repulsed voice, "That trick from the Weasley twins sure was the worst thing they had come up with!  I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the show!  Oh! And when she has no voice anymore, I'll make up a surprise oral presentation for her worth 10% of her final mark!! Oh yes!  Mmmaahhahahaaha!!" Snape was laughing evilly!  "What's happening to me? I sound like Voldemort himself!  Time to get some rest!" 

92. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons.
"Snape barely muttering to Dumbledore between his teeth and with a murderous look: "Dumbledore, old man, I never thought you could go lower in my esteem in you towards your taste for throwing out unwanted and useless parties, but I guess you've just outdone yourself this time!  Just wait until this is all finished, I'll outdo myself in revenge for sure!  -Oh but Severus, that wasn't my idea!  That was your wonderful student! The little miss there!  She's so charming isn't she?  I've heard she's done a lot of things for you this year.  I'm glad to see a student finally recognising your worth! -I am thrilled, really" said Snape while drinking a full glass of scotch. "Let's just hope I'll survive her ... attentions! " 

93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'
"Snape out loud: Thank you for your consideration, but really I can do that on my own! Therefore I would be much more grateful if you'd just leave me in peace!"  In his thoughts: "OH, the lucky girl!  If only I was allowed to grab him by the ears!!" 

94. Transfigure all the buttons down his front into large, pink flowers.
"Snape out loud after immediately untransfiguring his buttons back to normal: "Alright students. 20 points to the one who tells me who did this!"   (Of course, a Slytherin frames you!)  "Very well, Miss!  Since you like flowers so much, why don't I use the same potion you tried on me once. You know, the one that makes flowers grow out of your hair!  You see, and I'm sure you'll find this as fascinating as I do, I have improved the said potion so that it grows Devil's Snares instead of cute little flowers! Come along now, I don't have all day and... for the sake of your friends, keep out of reach for the next 24 hours!  The plant might bite!"   

95. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.
"Snape, when first seeing your essay: "Argh!  What's this horrible thing?  An essay written on love-heart paper? !?" he says in a disgusted tone.  "And what's that awful smell?" he says while covering his nose with his pocket tissue.  "Who did ...Of course, HER! Well this essay will be easy to mark: 0!"  

96. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice.
"Snape out loud: I beg your pardon?  What did you say?  -(In a high and squeaky voice) I beg your pardon?  What did you say?  -I'll get you for this you impudent little twit!  -(In a high and squeaky voice) I'll get you for this you impudent little twit!  -HOW DARE YOU show me so little respect you worthless parrot?  .... Go on and on until he quits and runs away from you OR before you get expelled!"

97. Introduce him to your friends Rickmaniac, Gumlick and Meg...watch the fun that ensues.
Snape: "Who the hell are these people? No, no! Don't say it. After better consideration, I'd rather not know."

98. Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it.
Snape out loud: Indeed!  (laughing inwardly of the time Draco finally got his just reward from Mad Eye Moody) "You know, it's a real chance to have you around in this school!  Who else would pick these up otherwise?  -But I don't have anything to pick them up with, Sir.  -Snape just smiled in answer.  You know what that means!!  

99. Show up drunk.
Snape's quarters at night. You are totally drunk with a bottle of unfinished whiskey in your hand.  You knock on his door and he comes to open it.  With your best voice (I mean the best articulation you can have due to the circumstances!) you smile at him and say: "Goodnight professor! I was just going around the Dungeons when I thought to drop in! No really, it's depressing to drink alone, and since you look like the kind of man that needs to drink often to forget how lonely you are, I came here right away!  -What are you mumbling about?" Sniff, sniff. "Good Lord, you're really drunk!!  -Hey, don't shout like that, I left you some after all!  -What am I going to do with you?  -Whatever you want, darling!" you say while making him goo goo eyes!  "-By all that's Holy, you're not only drunk: you've been drugged for sure!!  Come in, I'll get you an antidote for whatever you have.  But DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!  -Alright, Snapie, dearest!  For you, anything!  -Fast, fast, fast! Where is that dam*& antidote?!"   

100. Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.
Snape: Miss, what is so hilarious that you cannot repress your silly headless girl giggles?  Silence   -I'm warning you, if you don't stop, I'll test Longbottom's potion on you!  Silence  - Very well, Longbottom, make sure you do everything properly.  This way, she's sure to be poisoned and then we may finally have some peace around here." You keep giggling.  -Miss, stop or I'll kick you out so fast that every golden snitch in the world will envy you!  Still nothing, still giggling.   Snape grabs you by the arm and shuts the door in your face.  Maybe that's about time you stop!  

101. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it
Snape: And I once believed being a Death Eater was the worst thing that ever happened to me!  Now the whole school is giggling after me, the teachers eye me as if I were some pedophile, that girl follows me everywhere I go and I've lost all sense of fear in my students due to her calling me Sevvie!  Great!  That's just great! Voldemort, here I come!"

Amanda: *Sigh* Poor Snape... Well thats it, Thanks to Rickmaniac and Gumlick for a few ideas given me whilst chatting, and to Meg for an idea and for introducing me to her inner-Snape! You! Review! Now!

Lady Claudia: Well, that was a first time!  I'm not used to writing stories or funny stuff at all.  I've mainly written essays in my life!  So, please, don't be too severe on me!  I just tried to imagined how Snape would react to these imaginary situations! Just hope you enjoy and that you can understand what I meant! Especially the narrative and descriptive parts. I'm not good at it! So you have to use your imagination and use Snape's voice in your head, ok?
 

102 to 202

Amanda: DISCLAIMER: Snape is mine. JK Rowling gave him to me. In my dreams.... Ok, no Alan Rickman references in this one. A few very obvious Monty Python ones though.  Here goes...! Be ruthless. Be consistant. Break him. Make him cry.  Awww, poor Severus.  But anyway....

Updated October 1st, 2004

1. Stand at the entrance to the Potions classroom. Charge entry.
Snape out loud: Unless you are raising funds to finally get that so needed brain operation of yours, you better that silly person out of the way!"

2. Ask him if he's ticklish. Tell him if he lies 'you'll know'.
Snape: "Then let me ask you if you are sensible to pain?  If you're lying, I'm going to know!"

3. Sacrifice small creatures and first-years in his name.
Snape: Since you are so found of sacrifices, I have just got a whole bunch of ... -Coconuts?  -NO!!  Horned toads!  And they are waiting to be disemboweled! So be there tonight at 7!" 

4. Offer to 'bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses.'
Snape eyes you suspiciously and moves ahead.  

5. Conclude potions lessons with the words 'See you next time folks! Same bat time! Same bat channel!'
Snape: Oh I do hope you will do so because if it ever happens for you to come back at the same time next week, it will mean you will be an hour late. Therefore, I'll have the best excuse in the world to give you the worst detention ever!  Understood?

6. Sign him up for Madam Hooch's new class. 'Physical Fitness for the Mentally Depressed'
Snape crunches the subscription paper very, but I mean, very hard in his hands!  

7. Hum and whistle the score from Austin Powers the moment he enters the Potions room.
Snape: I was under the impression that I had pickled all the birds into potions ingredients yesterday, but I guess I missed one... I shall remedy the situation immediately."

8. Be sure to let him know when there's a full moon coming.
Snape just ignores you.  Too bad!   

9. Every time his back is turned in class, move one seat closer to him. Continue until you are directly in front of him or until the lesson ends.
Snape: One more move and the next desk you are going to sit at will be my office's.

10. While speaking with him, casually refer to Voldemort as 'yer boss'
Snape: (cringing inside, you can see his mouth twinge slightly even though he tries as hard as hell not to show it)
11. Scheme loudly about him in the library. When you know he's behind the nearest shelf.
Snape: (thinking) Why the little bugger! How dare he think a Slytherin would get caught in such an obvious Gryffindor plan?! That's prepostruous!

12. Greet him as you would a life-long friend, punch him in the arm and call him 'Sevster, old pal'
Snape: (with his murderous eyes) I am NOT one of your PAL (disdainful voice) as you so inelegently put it! Now hurry off before I hex you!

13. Charm his bedsheets to entangle him in his sleep, ensuring he must wrestle them for a quarter-hour each morning just to get out of bed.
Snape: (wrestling) Why those darn sheets are doing it again?!  That's it! I'm ordering some new ones from Wizard-Sears today... or whenever I manage to get out of here!

14. Sit with him at Quidditch matches. Promise loudly to 'protect him from those nasty little Gryffindor girls.'
Snape: (almost about to burst throught clenched teeth) For the last time, I told you there are NO Gryffindor girls running after me!  So would you please stuff that flag in that mouth of yours instead and stop shouting!!!

15. Owl him the lyrics to your favourite songs.
S
nape: (thoughtful) Hum? Weird. Who or what is this "Celine Dion" and "My Heart Will Go On"? ! And what about "Mary Poppins=whatyoumaycallit"?!  Weird, very weird!

16. Tell him at great length about your newly brewed potion which you have called 'brown-gunk-in-a-bottle'.
Snape: (in his innocent voice) What about you call this surely extraordinary new potion another name?  What about... "Brown-filthy-student-on-whom-a-gunk-greasy-potion-was-spilled"?  I believe it would be an instant success!

17. Shiver with some undisclosed emotion should he call on you in class.
Snape: (thinking) Oh no!! Not the sexual insinuations now!! I have met enough drooling girls in my career to last me for a century, I just do not want another one on my hands. Especially not this one!

18. Transfigure his robes into comic-book super-hero style tights, cape, logo and utility belt.
Snape: (thinking while trying to breathe) That's it, Severus. Calm down. Breathe deeply. (one breathe) (two breathe) ...
Poppy in the hospital wing: "Really, Albus! I don't know what happened!  When this wonderful child (meaning you) brought him up, there was nothing wrong with him..."

19. Mutter loudly in class that he '...still owes me rent'
Snape:

20. Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'
Snape: (dangerous yet amused voice) Well then, by all means be my guest, let yourself be swayed by Filch's words instead!

21. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?
Snape: (angry) I fear nothing you little twit!  (slyly) But now that you bring up the subject, I noticed your skin looked too tan and we both know it is not healthy, so as a kind action towards, I will permit you to stay inside today serving detention in the dungeons.

22. Sign your name on anything of his you can get hold of.
Snape: (through clenched teeth) If I have to find yet another of my belongings with this witch's name on it... (finds his boots with your name on it of course!) ARGH!!!!!  

23. Transfigure his cauldron into a large sack of milk-duds.(link so you know what a Milk Dud is)
Snape: (worried)
What's this now?! (Looks at it) I've never seen something like this before. (Smells it) It smells like... chocolate. (Squeeze it) And it is kind of sticky when squeezed.... Albus!! He'll know.  (Later with Albus)  Bite-size milk chocolate-covered caramels?!?  What's the meaning of this, Headmaster?!  You changed my cauldron into overly sweet candies?!  

24. 'Forget healing potions, Sir! Lets bottle some fame!'
Snape: Yes, indeed. (dangerous voice) Why don't I become famous for being the first Potions Master to successfully bottle a little prat?  Would that hold any interest to you?

25. Hide behind him anytime Harry Potter approaches.
Snape: (turning around) Are you going to ask me to save you, again?  I have had quite enough of this circus you've been playing along with the Boy-Who-Lived-to-Strut! Detentions for both of you! (Harry looks dumbfounded) And more points off for being alive, Potter!

26. 'Wingardium Leviosa' the back of his robes so that they float vertically behind him and look like a 6-foot-high collar.
Snape: (thinking) Why is everyone looking at me?  This is getting more suspicious by the second. Students are bowing to me, they would not normally do that even under Imperio. (He turns around and sees his collar flying up) (angry) Argh! If I catch one more of you bowing you'll see how low you'll bow on my Potions classroom's floor! (leaves as fast as he can, but his cape gets stuck in the door sill) HEADMASTER!!!

27. Offer to knight him.
Snape: (neutrally) No! I'd rather keep myself as far away from you as possible with a sword in hand, thank you.

28. Squint at him non-stop from the very second he comes into your view until he leaves again. Do this for the entire month of March, every year of your attendance.
Snape: (impatient) Miss, are you squinting because am I distracting your feeble mind that much or are you just plain stupid?

29. Launch into a hearty rendition of the B-52s 'Love Shack' anytime he needs to go anywhere near Hagrid's hut.(Lyrics here)
Snape's reaction is to shiver from fear and disgust each time he hears the song

30. Walk around carrying the end of his robes like a bridal gown.
Snape: (thinking) All right, we are almost there. Yes, yes, only some more steps to go. Done! (Snape walked up a moving staircase so that when he was at the top, the staircase moved away with you on it!) -Unhold my robes you idiot!!  You'll make us fall!!  (Snape after he realized you were still holding on his robes ; )

31. Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you are doing.
Snape: (rambling in his head) I am stronger than this, I can survive this.  I am stronger than this, I can survive this....

32. Sneak up on him and jab him in the ribs. Screech 'poke!' loudly and run off.
Snape: (furious) Come back here you little peeve!! I'll show you what I call a poke but believe me it's usually only used around a fireplace!!

33. Ask for his autograph.
Snape: (thinking) Nothing more?!  Why do I get this feeling that she's hidding more than what she lets on...

34. Hire some thugs. Have them beat people up who say anything against the good name of Snape. Or who looked like they might have been thinking it.
Snape: (thinking) Strangely, I wish I had have those around when I was a student myself. Pity!

35. Ask him at what age his hair 'lost it's natural lustre and shine?'
Snape: (mentally repeting) Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her...

36. Question his stability regularly.
Snape: (thinking) Ignore obnoxious girl, ignore obnoxious girl, ignore... Maybe her question is not so far off-track this time...

37. Volunteer to assist him. Drop or break anything he requires you to be in contact with.
Snape: (once in his quarters while banging his head on the walls) How could I fall for this one?!

38. Let him catch you pretending your wand is a light-sabre. Ask him if he wants to be Obi-Wan or Han Solo. Offer to show him how to make the correct 'sabre-sounds'.
Snape: (angry and clueless) I don't want a obi (Japanese kimono belt) or do a solo. Nor do I comprehend those unnerving sound coming out of your month so just leave me in peace for Heaven's sake!!

39. When he calls on you in class, look stunned, stutter and garble some nonsense - then fall out of your seat.
Snape: (slyly) My, my, my!  I did not know you were related to Quirrell.  Fortunately for you, I found an antidote against stuttering and sheer shyness. The only thing is... it's quite painful. (innocently) Oh well!  One has to suffer to get better! (smirking)

40. Ask when he's 'gonna get to the brewing glory part?'
Snape: When you stop annoying me! But that happy day may unfortunately only happen when one of us dies!

41. Stand guard outside his chambers. Make fists and 'tough-arms' at anyone who looks that way twice. If questioned, state that you 'wouldn't want anything to happen to him'
Snape: (after looking outside and seeing you for the first time, he shuts the door) What is she doing there?!  (checking again and realising that you are there as a bodyguard sort of) Great! (sarcastically) Now I have to endure the little bugger on my front door. Then again, I just have to get through my hidden door and let her do all the work. (smirking now) Yes!! Excellent!

42. Dust the floor behind him, following him as he walks. Also dust anything he touches.
Snape: (slyly) Like dusting, do we? How nice of you to volunteer to help our dear Mr. Filch!  There was unfortunately no one to put to detention tonight, but I guess we have just solved our problem!

43. Charm his hair into ringlets.
Snape: (no reaction, he fainted)

44. Put up a notice proclaiming the formation of your own fan-club. Sign his name as the first eager member.
Snape: (slyly) Headmaster! There is a bone-fire sort of near the new fan-club list. I really wonder why?

45. Invite him to join you for a nice, healthy game of musical chairs.
Snape: (wondering) Do chairs play music now?!  And how could it be healthy?  Is it an outside concert?!

46. Leave Harry Potter bound and gagged outside Snape's rooms every morning for a year.
Snape: (thinking and smirking while jumping over Potter) For once, I am NOT going to complain.

47. Anytime he comes near you, hold up your robes above your head with one arm and shelter beneath them until he leaves.
Snape: (thinking) Good!! I do not want to see her see either! (smirk!)

48. Subscribe to unlikely magazines in his name.
Snape: (wondering over his new mail with a questioning air, one eye brow up) Star Inc?! Jessica Simpson, stupid and happily so!?  Cosmopolitan... I can't believe it! Is that woman on top wearing anything that doesn't scream "take me, take me"!! And what about Sports Illustrated?.... Oh!! I see!  All airheads though.

49. When he enters his classroom, scurry over and wipe down his seat before he has a chance to sit down.
Snape: (pinching the bridge of his nose and thinking) I know I should say something, but somehow, I just don't find it in me right now.

50. Write his biography. Have it published. Offer him a signed copy.
Snape: I have one thing to say: WHERE are the others?"

51. Babble incoherently in class until you've lost all your house points.
Snape: (slapping himself in his head) Great!! Now what do I do?!

52. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.
Snape: (rounding the corner to your shrine) Someone put a religious hotel there?  How odd... Wait a minute!! (eye brows raise sky high) This is a shrine for me!!?!  (explosions and hexes ensue)

53. When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.
Snape: (unimpressed) Good! I had wanted one of these Society for the Protection of Evil Wizards for a while you know. Now it means I can do whatever I want to you and still be protected against law suit! (evil smirk)

54. Shout suddenly in the middle of class 'Ooh, sir, hold that pose!' and quickly begin sketching him.
Snape: (thinking) Mental note to myself: make more anti-hallucination potion!

55. Steal quietly up behind him, lift his robes, raise your hot-iron and brand his neck with a mark of your own.
Snape: Ahaaaaaa!!!  What the...  (finds a mirror after using a spell to ease the pain) Aaaahhhaahhaha!!  ALBUS!! (unfortunately for you, Poppy was able to remove it easily, and you got a month's worth of detention)

56. Fill his bed with small, adorable, fluffy creatures. While he's in it.
Snape: (being licked by one of the creatures and enjoying the ticklying) Oh!! Stop that you... ALBUS!!! (unfortunately for you, Hagrid was able to remove all the cute animals in a record time. AND your punishment is to remove what they left in Snape's bed...

57. Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.
Snape: (thinking) I have no idea what that could mean, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to ignore this one, too.

58. Weep openly when he gives you detention.
Snape: ! (triumphant!!) Ah ha!! I finally got you!

59. Casually mention you're thinking of changing your name to Severus.
Snape: (pondering) If she changes to Severus, it will not be without a fight. And if I lose the fight, then I'll raise my wine glass to toast in honor of our new Potions Master, Septimius Snape!

60. Ponder aloud on the colour of his underwear.
Snape: (thinking) Why is it with people always wondering what I wear!?  Dunderheads!

61. Whistle the march from 'Bridge on The River Kwai' as you follow him down to one of the many detentions you are likely to receive.( score and extract here)
Snape: As astonishing as this may sound to that unsubstancial brain of yours, I know (emphasis) Kenneth J. Alford's Colonel Bogey March. And maybe even more surprising to you, I will even grant you the divine pleasure of having it played in full score from now on when you get a detention with me. (evil smirk because of course he knows you'll get tired of it after sooo many detentions!)

62. Observe him. Take notes.
Snape: (looking at you from the side and thinking real hard) What is she doing now? ... Taking notes but about what? ... She's definitely looking at me ... and taking notes ... Wait a minute!  When I do something she scribbles something down. (tries different movement so as to prove his theory) Yes! Why the little... (stands up and marches up to you) -Miss, I believe I need to ascertain myself of something. Your notes, please. (You give them, no choice, and he sets them on fire, hands the crumples to you) Thank you, Miss, I was under the impression that my abilities to set something on fire had gone for a very brief moment (smirks) but we are both reassured, are we!

63. Become an animagi. Be very cute. Try to get him to adopt you.
Snape: (unnerved) Albus?!  It followed me home.  Can I NOT keep it?   

64. Try to get him to adopt you anyway.
Snape: (beyond unnerved) Albus!!  I received this adoption fill this morning.  Now if that is not proof enough that this little missy is playing games and utterly disrespectful to a teacher... (What Albus hears: Blablablablablabla... ) -Dear Severus, when will you learn to have some fun?!  I find this adoption request quite flattering ... (Albus doesn't have time to finish for Snape has raised both arms up in desperation and walked out on him) (Grinning Albus)

65. Chain yourself to him and go limp.
Snape: (thinking fast eyes closed) This is not happening. This is not happening. (opens his eyes) Yes, it is happening!  What do I do now?  (closes his eyes) Don't think about it and wait for a staff member to come by. (moments later) All right, nobody has come up, what now?! Time to take action since ignoring the problem has solved nothing. (casts a levitation spell on you) (nonchalantly) -Well Miss, nice of you to volunteer and accompany me to McNair Manor for I was still wondering what to bring for dinner tonight.

66. Forbid anyone to touch him. Enforce the rule.
Snape: (thinking) Well, in this case I will make an exception and not react right away. I could use a little "don't touch" after that episode with the chain!  

67. When his food arrives at mealtime, jump out of your seat, dash up to the high table and insist on tasting the food before he has a bite. 'Just in case.'
Snape: (thinking) Great ! (sarcastic) Everyone is looking at me, yet AGAIN!! Might as well enjoy it though (outloud and growing sarcastic) Why thank you Miss, I appreciate your efforts and concerns. Especially since I heard throught the branches that I was to fall victim to a Gryffindor prank tonight having to do with food poisening, so as to test my true capacities that is. But since you so readily offer yourself, I wonder why I should try to dedect which poison it is myself!

68. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants anything on that, waving condiments madly.
Snape: (thinking in his ironic voice) Great! Again!! And she's found a way to not get poisened AND annoy me still with my food! Well, I am just going to ignore it and hope someone else will get annoyed and take care of the problem... (continues eating as if nothing was amiss)

69. Carve small likeness's of him. Leave them around the school.
Snape: (comes to a halt in front of one of them) Oh! NO!  I've burned, liquified, flowed, exploded, drown, and given them to Fluffy but there still seems to be a great number lying around the school.  Well, a man must know when to give up. (walks away and tries to not cringe each time he comes around one of them)

70. Have him committed.
Snape: WHAT!?!  (furious beyond reason) I AM CONVICTED FOR WHAT?!? - (Albus) Calm down Severus, I have just received a missive from the local authorities about someone who made a complaint about your disposing of this person's carved figures without authorization, and now they want you there in Hogsmeade to clarify the situation. -(Snape still beyond reason) I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE ANYMORE OF MY TIME TODAY! I'VE ALREADY HAD TO SUFFER THE LITTLE TWIT FOR DOUBLE POTIONS TODAY SO IN NO CASE AM I GOING THERE TONIGHT!" -(Albus) Well, all right Severus, but you know it is not good to refuse to follow the authorities!! (of course after that, Snape went down that very night, forced by Albus) (Albus thinking and smirking) Good!! A little night air will do him wonders!! Now where are my lemon drops?...

71. Ask him to teach you how to tango.
Snape: (getting furious) If you are taling about the
communications code word for the letter t, well then by all means I will show you where to find a book about it, but if you even have the audacity of refering to that pseudo sexual dance, you will be in for a long detention, Miss!!

72. Crash Death-Eater revels shouting 'Sev! You had a party and you didn't invite me? I'm hurt!'
Snape: (wakes up in sweat) Ah!!!!!  Oh! Thank goodness it was only a nightmare!  (drops back on his pillow)

73. Transfigure his robes into a safari-suit. Wear one yourself. Dance about and slap him with pilchards.
Snape: (once in the infirmary room almost crying and whining) I don't get it, Albus.  I was walking down the stairs while all of the sudden, I found myself wearing the strangest outfit if I ever saw one with strips and horrible colors. And then, that... that demon (emphasis) came wearing one herself and danced all around me while throwing those foul smelling sardines at my face!  Is that a muggle tradition?! (nervous and verging on insanity by now) What have I done to her to deserve this, Albus?!  I don't understand!  Why me?!!  (crying - so of course you understand that you were given detention by the Headmaster himself this time and asked to slow down your hormones a bit!  Albus had to cast a memory charm on Snape after all)

74. While he's out, fill his rooms completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with balloons.
Snape: (after a trying teaching day) Ah!! The comfort of hom... (balloons fall out of his door) WHAT!?  (furious and trying to get in to see the extend of the damage) (fighting against them all) Why how could she even get in here again!! I thought my wards were foolproof by now!!  Now calm down, Severus, just breathe.  (deep breathe - he calms down) Now, just remember the spell to get rid of all of them (thinking.....) Argh!!! I can't remember it I'm too distracted by those f*?/ balloons!!!  (still fights against them and pops them out)

75. Ask him if he wants to meet your mother.
Snape: (dangerous voice) Oh believe me, she has been informed of your pranks on a daily basis. And since she has not yet reacted to any of them, then I am to assume that she is just as crazy as you are, so NO  thank you, I will pass this opportunity!  (walks off)

76. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'
Snape: (after a week of asking and ignoring you, he finally answers, smirking evilly) Why yes!  I believe we have come to that point in our relationship where I will show you exactly how to stopper death.  The only thing is you may not like the part where I unstopper it on the most annoying of all my students.  (you're not smiling anymore so Snape plays innocently) Why? Have I forgotten to mention that part to you?  I'm sorry, my mistake! NOw come, we have death to stopper and unleash!

77. Put up your hand eagerly in class when he asks a question. If he calls on you, ignore his question and say 'Sir? Can you do this?' Then perform stupid party face-tricks. (Ie: roll your tongue, flip your eyelids or wiggle your ears)
Snape: You want to clown around, well by all means do!  You'll serve detention tonight at St. Mungo's with Gilderoy Lockhart. I heard he was in dire need of a bath!!

78. Faint regularly in his class.
Snape: (hears you fall on the floor for the xth time) What a happy coincidence. Mister Goldroy, please bring the innert body of your classmate so we can experiment the effective yet painful reversal of the Draught of the Living Death.

79. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.
Snape: (thinking) I am not going to fall for this one again. Last time, I ended up empting my bottle of stress-relief potion because I thought she was truly in need of help and couldn't bring myself to understand what she was mumbling. Ignore her, Severus. You can do this!

80. Write and choreograph a play about him for the school to perform. 'Severus: The Musical'.
Snape: (mentra) You are stronger than this, you are stronger than this, you are stronger...

81. Cast yourself in the lead.
Snape: (mentra) I am stronger than this and will not faint, I am stronger than this and will not faint, I am stronger...
82. And all the other roles.
Snape: (mentra) I am stronger than this and will not faint before the second act, I am stronger...(faints)

83. Make him daisy-chains. Enquire frequently as to why he doesn't wear them.
Snape: (in his dangerously low voice) Why because my dear, as much as you have tried to make me crazy, it has not worked and the day I'll wear those atrocities will be the day of my admittance to St. Mungo's which is not in the near future, trust me on that!

84. Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'
Snape: (unconcerned) I've been called worst, you are losing your touch!  (Oh!! Snape is trying a new tactic!!)

85. Chase him.
Snape: (casually) I've been chased by worst...

86. Throw your arms around him on random occasions.
Snape: (disinterested) Nice of you to drop by. I had to meet with Mr. Filch, care to accompany me?

87. Sing Monty Python's 'The Lumberjack Song' at him endlessly. (song here or video clip there or origin here)
Snape: (Poor Professor! His "ignoring you" doesn't work anymore. So after trying to hex, jinx, burn, and lose you in the forest, our dear Potions Master came up with a solution of his own so that everytime you step into your bed you here (with the same melody of course):
I'm a Potions Master And I'm okay, I kill all night And drink blood all day. I cut up students, I eat them for lunch, I go to the laboratory, On Wednesdays I go huning, And have buttered students for tea...

88. Dedicate essays to him.
Snape: (after grading this week's essay he stumbles on yours. Nonchalantly) Oh dear! What is it this week? Last week she wrote about the use of Snape parts in vampire based potions and the one before was the use of black greasy bats in magical shampoo. So what has our exquisite dunderhead come up with this week (he reads and gets angrier with every word)  "The use of Hogwarts Potions Master in a libido incresing potions with erotic hallucinations up a dungeon wall?!!!?  (disgusted, he runs to the bathroom)

89. Trip him up in the halls. Every single chance you get.
Albus: "Severus, you have to get out of your quarters. This is not healthy for you to remain cloistered all day!! Snape: There is no way I am coming out of here until I have the certitude that someone will not make me trip in the halls when I least expect it!! I am staying here. Period!!

90. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.
(you approach and Snape addresses you suspiciously) Yes, Miss, what may I do for you? (you kneel while Snape thinks) She is not... (you show him a ring and propose while his eye brows reach unseen level) She can't mean (Snape stopped breathing so you better run before he recovers his spirits) (Snape breathes again) Oh! That was close! I thought she would stay!  Thank Merlin for that!  (walks away and smirks) Well, now at least I can say I once refused to marry! Nobody needs to know whom I refused... hehehe!!

91. Become his campaign manager for an election you've invented. Hang 'Vote Snape' signs. Wear a badge.
Snape: (reading) A new campaign for the Liberation of Gryffindors by the Oppresive forces of Evil has begun. Join us now and get the chance to elect our new president, everyone's favorite...(stops than reads on) Potions Master? !  What is the meaning of this?!  (Snape walks on and sees another sign) Come and vote for Professor Severus Snape!  He has promised to stop oppression against Gryffindors all over the world! (Snape sees red now and blasts the sign) (Later on he sees you with your badge on) Miss, you better have a good reason for this ... this.. this public display of ridicule or else it will be a week's worth of detention in the forbidden forest!! (shouting now) (You look at him with your innocent smile and say) Don't worry, Sir!  All future presidents are nervous before an election!  (Snape fumes) Argh!! That's it!  You'll take down all of those horrible signs and serve detention from tonight!  And stop smiling!!! (furious, he hurries away)

92. When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash out of the classroom, giggling.
Snape: (trying to sound neutral) Class, I believe your classmate has now clearly demonstrated the consequences of leaning too closely to your cauldron while preparing this potion. Indeed, a return to childhood behaviour is not unheard of in this case.

93. Paint a portrait of him. Use your imagination. Insist on hanging it in the Great Hall.
Snape: Albus? What is this horrible new painting over there?  I looks as though a hippogriff rans over the portrait and then it fell into a marsh, and then fished out of there after a hundred years!  Disgusting!  -(Minerva) Actually, Severus, this painting is what is called Modern Art and do you know the title? ... "Snape an homage"  (and then the whole table burst off laughing while Snape has suddenly lost his appetite!)

94. Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.
Snape: (after class and annoyed) Miss, I have no clue as to why you can keep grinning even though I threaten you with the most horrible prospects I usually tell other students unless... (darkly and fearfully) No! It can't be... don't tell me you're... related to Dumbledore in any remote way? (you give him a super grin!! And Snape's eyes are wider than you ever thought it possible) I knew the old fool was hiding something from me!! (furious) Albus, you just wait!  How could you do this to me!?  Now I know why you got away with everything you did!  (Yes! Now you know, too.  And it goes on...) : D

95. 'Prozac, sir?'
Snape: (the day after he uncovered your family bind with Albus) Yes, thank you!

96. Laugh enthusiastically at any mild joke or sarcasm that leaves his mouth. Laugh for about 10 minutes longer than necessary. Laugh until you cry.
Snape: (still suffering a bit from the Prozac you gave him) Well, what else is to be expected from Albus's great-great-cousin?!  So I better leave it off for now and relax a bit while this wonderful pill still affects my mood! : )

97. Breed koalas in his bathroom.
Snape: Whoa!! Those Prozacs are too much for me!  I'm having sickenly cute hallucinations!  Better stop now. (Takes his bath)

98. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.
Snape: (evil smirk) As you wish! (steps on you and lingers...)

99. Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.
Snape: (furious) And why would I want to borrow something that goes in that crazy overly bare head of yours?!  Because I am very much afraid that if I do I will also lose it!  

100. Find a website focusing on really bad Snape/Harry slash-fic. Print them off and owl them to him regularly.
Albus to the student body: Unfortunately, children, our dear Potions Master is finding himself incapable of teaching. He has been severely sick for unknown reasons we are still investigating. But rest asure, once we find the remedy, we shall provide it as soon as possible.

101. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!
Albus to the student body, again: Once again our dear Potions Master, Professor Snape, in incapable of teaching. After a week at the infirmary, he looked a whole lot better, but as soon as he got his owl mail this morning, another sudden bout of sickness overtook him. I hope you will all pray so that our dear Severus is back with us soon. Thank you.

202 to 303

Amanda: Sorry 'bout number 8, I got carried away!

1. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.

2. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course.

3. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'.

4. Shave his head while he sleeps.

5. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.

6. Offer to assist him with his love-life.

7. Run to pull his chair out for him at mealtimes.

8. Charm him to talk with an awful Australian accent. And use awful stereotypical Australian slang. Think Crocodile Hunter. Think Crocodile Dundee. Think the 'Bruce' sketch. (Try not to think Russell Crowe. I try not to.)

9. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.

10. Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident.

11. In fact, call him by a different name everytime you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well.

12. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.

13. Try to get him to dance the Hokey-Pokey. Demonstrate.

14. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.

15. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'.

16. Make him play 'Monopoly' with you. Win.

17. Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode.

18. Grab a friend. Grab his wand. Play 'Snapey-in-the-middle'.

19. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth.

20. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper hat that emerges.

21. Ensure your potions explode directly in his face. When they do say 'That'll learn ya!'

22. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.

23. One word: Veritaserum

24. Two words: Cotton Candy

25. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class.

26. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!'

27. 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well.

28. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and twinkies when he gets the munchies.

29. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'

30. In his class, hold your breath until you turn purple and pass out. Every lesson

31. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.

32. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' 'Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc

33. Enjoy his classes a little *too* much.

34. Enquire after his health.

35. Enquire after his wealth.

36. Enquire after his boxers.

37. Ask him if he's related to Basil Fawlty.

38. Anytime you see him venture out of doors, grab your broomstick and take off. Continually swoop him until he runs inside again.

39. Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you.

40. Form a choir. Stand behind him as he teaches. Sing hymns and drinking songs softly throughout lessons.

41. Tackle him.

42. Relate to him in great detail the dreams you had the previous night. Tell what you think the deeper meaning of them is. Be specific, long-winded and horribly pretentious.

43. Steal his Death-Eater robes.

44. Give them back. Dyed yellow, of course.

45. Waggle your eyebrows suggestively at him. Whenever you feel the moment is right.

46. Charm his robes to look tye-died and give him circular sunglasses.

47. Sneak up behind him. Blindfold him. Spin him in circles a few times. Run away.

48. Learn basic muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!'

49. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.

50. Wait to one side of the staffroom door with a club in your hands. Bash him over the head
and knock him out when he emerges. Do this every day until he is scared to leave the staffroom.

51. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 70's grunge rocker. Add a neck-slung guitar.

52. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 80's punk. Leathers, make-up, zippers n' all.

53. Pierce one of his ears while he sleeps.

54. Ask him to try a potion you've just concocted with random ingredients. Promise him that 'It'll knock your socks off'

55. Follow him around quoting 'The Sunscreen Song'

56. Transfigure random articles in the potions classroom into butterflies.

57. Procure his mother's address. Owl her frequently with 'reports' on her son.

58. Grab his arms. Swing him around. Sing 'Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!'. Let him go. Run

59. Ask him how old he is.

60. Sit there in class staring at him. Do this all year and fail the class.

61. Push him in the lake.

62. Wear a tutu to class. When he berates you tell him 'if you're really that jealous, you can try it on later.'

63. Charm a music box that playes "greensleves' into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.

64. 'Are you cheating on me?'

65. Give him a Metallica T-Shirt for his birthday.

66. Bake him a cake!

67. Encourage him to take up knitting.

68. Attempt to carve your name into his arm.

69. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range.

70. Promise him a puppy.

71. Leave a yo-yo in his quarters with a note that says 'Keep this with you always. It may save your life someday.'

72. Follow him around, frantically writing anything he ever says to anyone at anytime.

73. When he looks like he's about to snap at someone shout 'Sic 'em Severus!'

74. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back'

75. Pretend to fall over anytime he is within 5 feet of you. Land on him.

76. If he is more than 5 feet away from you, but still within striking distance, launch yourself at him.

77. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.'

78. Should he receive the minutest injury, mother him excessively and drag him by the robes to Madam Pomfrey. (I'm talking paper-cuts and toe-stubbings here)

79. Ask him about his childhood.

80. Get the potions class to do a wave when he enters the room.

81. Ask him the particulars of his relationship with Lucius Malfoy.

82. When he leans down to inspect your work - pull out a small length of yarn and dangle it in his face as you would a cat.

83. Insist that the lunch you just had was 'Snape-a-licious!'

84. Make a trail of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans from the Gryffindor Towers to his door.

85. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.

86. Conjure up bright blue suspenders to appear over his robes in the middle of class.

87. Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.

88. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.'

89. Attempt to harness 'Snape-power'

90. Lock him in a room with Professor Trelawney.

91. On St. Patrick's day - Charm his robes and eyes green and his hair red. Conjure up a long, red beard and large, green top hat. Charm a cloud of four-leaf clovers to swarm around his head all day. Enjoy.

92. Get him a pet llama.

93. Leave copies of these lists lying around.

94. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously.

95. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'

96. Completely ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him. Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to.

97. Walk up to him every morning. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet'

98. Tell him he's got something on his face, when he clearly doesn't. Urge him to wipe it off. Insist that it is still there.

99. 'How's that rash healing up, Professor?'

100. Tell him you know how to 'charm the wickedness out of him'

101. Get a sack. Jump him. Keep him under your bed.

 

304 - 404

Amanda: "OK, Only one ickle Die Hard reference in this one, and it's REALLY easy so I won't request that you guess it. And, well, one Alan Rickman reference that's a little obscure, so if you get it and you're NOT a Rickmaniac, I'll be SOOOO impressed with you."

1.      'Accio Snape!

2.      Anytime you see him, fall down and grovel at his feet.

3.      Be seen licking your fingers clean after Potions Class.

4.      Do not do ANYTHING without his expressed, written permission.

5.      Every lesson, look like you are diligently brewing your potion, when he comes to have a look, offer him a spoonful of the          Two-Minute-Noodles you've been preparing in your cauldron.

6.      Never speak to him, only stare at him dumbly.

7.      Charm his hair into a Mohawk.

8.      Practise Quidditch in his private office.

9.      'Severus Snape! What WOULD your mother think?'

10.     When he leans down to inspect your work - grab him by the collar, pull his face close to  your own and say 'Hiya Snape!' happily.

11.     Or kiss him. Whichever you like best.

12.     Ask him how Tommy is.

13.     Get a Muggle Dictaphone. Record everything he says. Be seen walking around, listening intently to the recordings.

14.     Alternatively, direct the 'Sonorus' charm at your dictaphone and broadcast your recordings through the school.

15.     Walk up to his desk and pat him soothingly on the head every now and again.

16.     Ask him if he would mind helping you with a project. Tell him you want to breed Professional-Racing-Snapes.

17.     Spit when you speak the letter 'p'. Say '*P*rofessor Sna*p*e" an awful lot.

18.     Preferably very close to his face, so it gets on him.

19.     Alternatively, hiss on the letter 's'.

20.     Throw a Mad-Eye Moody at him at random quiet moments. 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!'

21.     In fact, just throw Mad-Eye Moody at him.

22.     Ask him suggestively just how 'private' his 'private' office is.

23.     Find a good charm for it, and give him a strong tan.

24.     Have no qualms about approaching him and chatting freely about your daily life.

25.     Be heard reciting his 'first-years' speech loudly to other students 'I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the           senses....

26.     Always walk away from him with a threatening 'I'm watching you, Professor. I'm ALWAYS watching you.'

27.     End each class with a wink and a 'See you tonight, Professor' Put sarcastic emphasis on the word 'Professor'.

28.     When answering questions in class, digress into unrelated tangents, like your aged uncle's holiday in Spain.

29.     Tell him, when he gets livid over some incident or other, 'Take a time-out now, Sevvie, go face the wall.'

30.     When he begins to tell you off for something,(probably something you've read here) interrupt with a sympathetic 'Awww,           Nightmares again last night, Severus?'

31.     In the middle of the night, sneak into his quarters, shake him awake and shine a torch in his face shouting 'Pineapple! Have          you got any pineapple?'

32.     Blatently suck up to him.

33.     Attempt, regularly, to singe his eyebrows.

34.     Wonder aloud why your telepathic messages to him 'just don't seem to be getting through'.

35.     Throw peanuts at him during class. Shout '5 points to me!' if you hit him.

36.     Introduce him to the concept of 'fanfiction'

37.     Whisper to people and point at him, whenever he is likely to see you.

38.     Jump out of your seat and yell 'Sir! Look what I can do!' Juggle ingredient vessels precariously. Smash as many as possible.

39.     Offer him trinkets and mementos of yourself.

40.     Take his temperature.

41.     Ask him if he's got a girlfriend.

42.     'There, there, Professor. You'll get your Order of Merlin someday, I'm sure.'

43.     Refuse to answer him in class until he 'talks to your agent'.

44.     Leak information about torrid love-affairs to the press.

45.     Shout 'Yippie-kai-ay....etc' at him at random moments.

46.     Charm the carpet of his rooms to sprout small flowers in his wake.

47.     Tell him you're sure Draco Malfoy has a secret crush on him.

48.     A rousing chorus of 'Blowin' In The Wind' should work wonders.

49.     Lick your lips hungrily throughout Potions Class. Stare at some of the more grotesque contents of his jars.

50.     Wither and faint should anyone mention his name.

51.     Disappear for a few days once every month. He'll probably avoid you after that.

52.     Beat him over the head with your Potions Textbook at the beginning and end of every lesson.

53.     Blow him kisses whenever you catch his eye.

54.      Take bets on the outcome of events surrounding him and his everyday life. Place betting charts and odds tables on

          bulletin board around the school.

55.     If he asks you a question, answer only with a serious 'Yes, We have no bananas.'

56.     Answer every question with another question. Preferably one completed unrelated to the topic at hand.

57.     Speak to him only in Parseltongue.

58.     Recite 'The Owl & the Pussycat' endlessly in his presence.

59.     Bite him.

60.     Change the house-shield badge on your robes to a small picture of him. Tap it and smile at him when you see him.

61.     Make up a song about him. Begin with the line 'He's the Snape-meister...' and end with a shout of 'Go Severus Go!'.

62.     Jump up and sing it suddenly in class. Dance along with your singing. When finished return to your seat, act as though nothing           happened and forever deny the event's occurence.

63.     Empty, and dispose of, all the ingredients in the jars of his storeroom.

64.     Re-fill each jar with butterbeer.

65.     If you are about pass him in the hallways, run around him in circles a few times and then continue on  your way. Calmly explain           that you were 'taking the scenic route.'

66.     This one's important - use any means necessary. Sneak into his rooms. Find his diary. Bring it back. And remember - fellow           WIKTTeers would thank you to remember what your mother taught you about sharing!

67.     Offer to replace his house-elf.

68.     When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab one of his hands and inspect his nails, stating 'They're filthy, Snape! Not to           mention you've been biting them...'

69.     Grovel pathetically.

70.     Suggest he run for Muggle parliament.

71.     During a quiet moment in potions, leap onto your desk, point at him and shout 'Where were you on the night of February the           21st, 1946?'

72.     Fall asleep in Potions.

73.     If somebody wakes you, mutter as if coming out of a dream "Severus, dear, come back to bed."

74.     Make him 'breakfast in bed'

75.     At around midday, drag him back to his rooms and make him 'lunch in bed'

76.     Develop a slow and incessant stutter when you speak to him, and only him. 'Y-y-yes, p-p-Professor S-S-S-Snape, S-Sir!'

77.     Charm his hair into an afro.

78.     One word: Bagpipes.

79.     'I've got my eye on you, Snape, if that IS your REAL name...'

80.     Keep a water-pistol handy. Use it whenever the time seems right.

81.     'Pity about that Dark Arts job, a real pity....'

82.     Sneak into his rooms and remove all his clothing, replacing them with a series of pin-striped business suits, all several sizes            too small or large.

83.     Owl him your results from those awful tests in really girlie magazines. Regularly.

84.     Run up behind him and jam a beanie onto his head.

85.     Sing that awful 'song that never ends' in an incredibly high pitched voice during class.

86.     When he leans down to inspect your work - peck him once on each cheek. Look apologetic and tell him you 'slipped'.

87.     Ask him just what he did in the sixties.

88.     Smell him. Act like it gets you high.

89.     Ask him if he wants to see your collection of newspaper articles detailing Harry Potter's life from the day he slipped through          Voldemort's fingers to the present.

90.     Walk around on stilts, trying to match his height.

91.     Tickle him.

92.     Hide in his office and giggle until he finds you.

93.     Upon the announcement of one of the many detentions you are bound to receive, whip out a diary and attempt to schedule a           time 'Well, I'm all booked out Tuesday, um....Thursday, is Thursday good for you?'

94.     Insist on reading him his horoscope every morning at breakfast. Loudly, so everyone in the Great Hall can hear it.

95.     Tell him he 'could do with a good scrubbing down'.

96.     Have Hagrid lend you some 'interesting critters' to leave in his rooms.

97.     Ask him if you can 'borrow' him. Promise it's 'just for a short while.'

98.     'Snapey-wanna-cracker?'

99.     Mime anything you ever need to say to him.

100.    Knock him over. Sit on him. Have your photo taken.

101.    'Sir, can my house have like, a thousand points if I promise to leave you alone?'

 

Amanda: *sigh* That makes 404, folks.