November 7th, 2004 - Breathing hard


Dear Journal,

I have no clue as to why I am feeling utterly lost right now. Without any prompting at all, I got into a rage tonight. No, not even the students are to blame for this. I am just totally fagged, gone furious or whatever you may call it but it seems nothing will change my mood.  

For the past two years, I learned to be more adamant and to relax more, but sometimes those unexplainable bouts of angriness take over me.  I feel like I want to hex every single thing that bothers me, be it alive or not.  I am secluding myself to my rooms, I do not want to take risks.  Two years ago, I know I would not even have noticed my change in mood, I would have blamed it on the idiotic students that attend this school. But since I started to see things from a different perspective, it's not that simple. Once I realise something about my life, especially my flaws, I can do nothing to ignore it or else, I get very angry at myself.  I do not support being imperfect, I loath myself for it.  So now that I have come to find some inner peace, especially since the death of the Dark Lord, I am incapable of blaming the students for each and every of my tantrums or depressive moods.  Like tonight, I know it was there, suddenly, for no reason.

The "for no reason" part is absolute torture for my scientific and logical brain.  Why can't I explain it?!  I am eating the walls here for lack of an explanation.  Even if my cat comes along, it would be better for him to stay away from me.  It's back to the old days... but fortunately, not for long, never as long as it used to be.  

Dear Merlin! I wish I could hex myself off the face of the Earth. Suffering is something quite acceptable, but suffering without knowing the cause is pure hell.  I breath, I try hard to calm myself, listen to music but nothing will do, nothing pleases me.  It's only seven and I am not that sleepy, I wish I could just drop asleep right there quill in hand.  I tried poetry, analysing it, then I tried a game, reading, creating, nothing works. I still feel this horrible gap inside, this hole that's swallowing me little by little. A pit of blackness that grabs my heart in an attempt to drown it....

Maybe I am panicking for no reason. Maybe.  But what if this lasts for long?  What if it lasts through tomorrow and all week... Breath I tell myself, but no.  I thought of a warm bath, but nothing pleases me.  Just want to drop sound asleep. Asleep... I did not sleep well last night, dreamt of my being a muggle. How horrible that way, so much menial work. I was disgusted though I was trying hard to follow up, I did not want to look like I was a useless muggle. No, imperfection is never good. Even in such a context I had to be good, I had to know everything.  Finally I woke up, thanks to my cat. Dear Corvus likes to lick me in the face... strange how he does so when I am fighting in my dreams... maybe he knows, maybe.  If he does then he has won his part of heaven.  I was tired but so glad to wake up. Being a muggle, ah! That was something to laugh about.  Now that I think of it, that sounds so surreal it is funny.  I smirk thinking of Dumbledore knowing about it.. what would he say?  Ha! That I needed to discover more about them?! No, I know I did not feel in my natural element there.  Actually, it made me feel like I was in the right place if that's any consolation.  Of course my dream was a caricature of the muggle world, but every caricature has its basis in reality.  Should I be happy that I feel I belong somewhere. There was a time I thought I belonged nowhere at all... the Death Eaters, students my age, my family... I never felt I belonged to any world or circle but to Hogwarts.

I sometimes feel pathetic for still being here, for holding onto that place so much, but am I wrong? What is there outside for me to seek?  Maybe a lot, but for now, I will just stay where I am.  I decided to start doing more research on my own... I had given it up before the rise of the Dark Lord... took me time to realise I had time to indulge in research now.  Indeed, even before I tried that job at the research center, I had forgotten how simple it was to do so on my own.  My quitting the job made me realise what I missed I guess. I had missed it, research.  Brings back some beauty in my art when all I see all day are failed or imperfection potions... brings me a hint of truthfulness.

Writing seems to do me good.  I feel more relaxed now though I will not, under any circumstances but an emergency, impose myself on anyone tonight.  And maybe tomorrow in class, I will have to keep my temperament in check.  That sounds so different from before, does it not?  Keeping my character in check! Ah! How ironic is life. But no, I would never do it for the students alone... they have not deserved it so. Constant angriness and foulness are poisonous, they suck the life out of me like did the Dark Lord. So no more, never to such a degree.  I guess this is the fear of ever going back to such a state of emptiness and furiousness that scares me tonight.  

It's 8:30 now, I decided to take a bath after all. I feel better, but I know nothing good shall be accomplished tonight. I am retiring to my bed now, that is the most sound solution to my anguish.  Perhaps tomorrow shall bring me my share of peacefulness. For now, all that can is my bed I'm afraid.  Good night then,