July 20th, 2004 - Lupin's visits
Yet, Lupin denied Albus having any affair in his nocturn visits. I was surprised to hear that though the more I think about it, the more it sounds credible. After all, he came by often these last weeks where the Headmaster was away. And Lupin, Gryffindor as he is, could not fool me for long with his lies... Indeed, I guess that is why I felt the need to sit down here and write a bit.
I know my poor feeble mind is "secretly" hoping that, indeed, Lupin comes here on his own volition, but after all of what has befallen me, my first reaction is still one of disbelief. How infuriating that I hold such idiotic hopes of friendship. With a Gryffindor to boast! How am I ever going to face myself in the mirror if I do indulge in this melo-dramatic acquaintance? (Better than you think, my mind says) Well, alright, maybe better but I 'll be damned if this occurs overnight. I will not relinquish years of holding back on anyone in such a short time as Lupin seems to be able to form new frienships himself.
He's such a goody-goody man. Almost makes me sick how easy it is for him, even though he is a werewolf, to make friends. Actually, if I want to be bluntly honest with myself, I would even have to say that I was always irreversibly jealous of the man. Yes, so jealous it still holds its heavy grip on me. So jealous of how the "outcast" could find loyal friends, however stupid they were. Potter. Black. He could always count on them though they were total prats and that always infuriated me. I wish I could have been in his place, to have a reason for being rejected, unpopular, a wormbook, asocial, and bitter. But no, I had none while he had his lucanthropy condition. Sure, he was and still is an agreable man, anyone can like him. I wish my character could have been understood as a "condition" in itself, just like him. Then, maybe, just maybe my life would not have been a total failure back at school. I could have had friends even. But no, my hopes were always too high for life always let me understood that while a young man, my hopes were non-existent. And so I followed the dark path.
Still, my jealousy over Lupin has never led me to forgive him for being a traitor to us, outcasts. How so? Well, one day he was an outcast, the next he was part of the Wonder-Potter-Boy's gang. And what did he do with his new found relations towards us, the other outcasts? Nothing! Or barely a thing. I know he tried to defend me at times, indirectly of course, wouldn't want to upset dear James. But he did not try enough! Never enough to stop them from tormenting me the second their mind were bored from other pranks. I was their favorite prey, so easy to catch a lonely bird after all. Oh, I know he tried to dissuate the boys to actually pick on me or to prolong my suffering, but never did he stand up to me after one time, one of the first time he tried, the Marauders told him off. In Gryffindor, as much as in Slytherin, obliging, defending or caring for the enemy is not an option. You are with them or against them. So what was a poor ex-outcast to do? He stuck with the Marauders of course. At the time I hated him for doing so, but I am no fool, I know the terrible prospect of fending for one's self enough to admit I might have done so myself. Correction, I did. But then I realised how wrong I had been, how my feelings led me astray from my true desire of being respected by others.
Hence, does this mean I should forgive Lupin? I wonder still. I know he came the first time, too, saying he wanted to "make up" with me. "What do you have to make up for, Lupin?" I asked. "For the big-ass I was back at school. I know that's why you can't bare me now and I would like to rectify that", he said. Though I hate to admit it, that did disturd and surprise me to the utmost! Of course, it did not show on my face, but I was flabbergasted. In all of my fantasies, never had I expected a Marauder's apology. I had long cast this hopeless thought in the far back of my mind though it was still there. Humans trive on hopes, realistic or not. Hence, that hope resurfaced so blatantly that I could not say anything for a minute. I let the silent sink in between the two of us.
But then, old habits die hard, I got back into suspicious mode. He has something he's hiding. There is no way he would exchange such an apology to me of all people! That is why I dismissed him as soon as possible that evening. I could not bare to be dumbfounded once more. Of course, I got even more careful around him afterwards, waiting for the blow. But the blow never came. The only thing that came back was him. Stupid Gryffindor acharnement! They won't back off until it gets dangerous, and it has become so when he raised my long-lost hope back to the front. Each time he comes around now, I sense a pang in my gut, something hard to describe: hope. I act like an animal about to receive a blow all the more with him around, but the blow never comes.
Darn! Will I have to actually give in? My mind works faster and faster now. Trying to solve this equation to which I do not hold all the elements. Why now? I know since Black's death, Lupin has not been the same. He was all alone, once again. And we both know what living alone ensues. Then, Albus, thanks to the strengthened potion for his condition, could get him his job back. I know I should be beyond hatred for not getting the DADA job again, but somehow, tonight, it feels better knowing another lonely outcast got it. Strange and ironical, true! Albus won't let me try Dark Arts again, too frightened for me. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I admire Lupin's courage for showing up to my door.
Still, I am always left wondering, whenever I let that flicker of hope get the better of me, how it would have been had Lupin not been with Black and Potter? Would I have hated him the more? I don't think so. I would consider him just like I do for Minerva, a Gryffindor, but with no hard feelings. No hard feelings... could I drop them for Lupin? Is he not the kind for desperate causes to begin with! Potter and Black were indeed. Even after Azkaban, Black could not be kept from misbehaving or pranking and that sent him to his grave. Poor stupid, Black. Lupin tried to protect you for so long and you never gave it a second-thought now did you! Do you know how much your werewolf misses you? Ha! He comes to me! I'm sure you must be furious in Heavens now, right! Lupin trying to sympathise with the hated greasy-git! What a joke! ... Yet, if his amends are not? If they are no joke, how will I face him? Already, he smiles at me even though I am almost running holes in his tattered clothes with my sarcasms. He won't show I affect him anymore as if he had gotten around my main defenses already, so how am I to defend myself now? Maybe there is just no defense to offer.
I still do not know what I will do. Refuse or accept his apologies. I don't know. If so, it will also mean that I will have to make some efforts. Though on second thought, did Black ever made an effort to improve? I do not believe it so. So, is Lupin ready to take me in as the greasy bastard? That is still an issue to let simmer for a while although, for tonight, I am happy to say that his excuses did reach me. If he ever knows or not is of no importance to me now. Just that it did reach home, after so long.