Valentine's Day 2006
Valentine's Day in the Potion Classroom - Part 3
"What's the meaning of this?" Snape's voice boomed in the entrance hall. He looked murderous.
A bold Slytherin girl took the lead. "Oh but sir, didn't you know that you are today's talk?! Haven't you seen the Daily –" but she was cut short.
"Of course I've read it, you foolish girls!" he spat with all the venom he could muster, particularly emphasising the last word… for which the boys assembled were a bit insulted. "But I simply can't understand why a single article would provoke such a cacophony, what were you served for breakfast this morning?"
"Oh, nobody ate, sir! None of us here at least" the girl answered promptly, hoping to win his affections.
"And why so? I've never seen teenagers skip breakfast before, it's against your nature to pass up any opportunity to chit-chat and gossip while appearing to be doing something worthwhile!"
[Mo-ow rrrrmeow-ow!] Correction, we've never seen anyone skip any meal for you due to uncontrollable fits of catnip attacks!
"Oh Professor, that’s because we were all enamoured by the content of that article and we couldn't eat a single crumb until we knew our heart's desire returned our affection or not!" After which she produced the ugliest most disgusting thing next to that house-elf mess up there: a Valentine! Well, most disgusting by Snape's standards of course and he therefore was the only one to take a step back while the groupies took one forward.
"Here, sir", "No take mine, sir!", "Get out of my way, he's going to accept mine!", "No mine!!" the pack was heard shouting from all around Severus. Not to mention hearing Gilderoy behind him saying they didn't stand a chance against him which was, in fact, the last straw for Severus. Closing his eyes to concentrate, he cast a spell that instantly dissolved all those cute, fluffy, lacy, reddy, pinky, twinkly valentines. Of course, there was a huge sigh of disappointment heard, not to mention environmentalists whose hearts skipped a beat while reading of all this potentially recyclable paper wasted into nothingness.
Then in his stern 'I-will-brook-no-arguments' tone, he said loud and clear: "All right, now that you seem to have your wits about, if only for a second, hear me out:” he continued his voice dripping with equal shares of cynicism and repugnance. “Before you ask me how 'wonderful' my intimate fantasies are according to a certain lunatic reporter of that damned trash newspaper (though I won't name her to preserve the last bit of dignity she may have left by now), I will warn you. Do not EVER mention whatever lies in there in front of me again or heaven protect you from my wrath. Worst of all, if I ever discover that all this was nothing more than a very elaborate joke I shall hunt down the very last of you who is responsible for participating or inventing this … travesty! Is that clear?" he claimed, expecting no answer to his rhetorical questionl. But his 'fans' stayed there, unmoved by his sweet words of doom. "Now stand aside you feeble excuses for this country's best wizarding pupils!"
What he never expected was his speech’ effects: not only did they not bulge; they also started blabbering senseless idiocies …
"Ohhhhh!! He talks so eloquently!"
"He's so gorgeous when he talks like that."
"I'm in love!!"
"Hold me, my knees are failing me!!" came in whispers and moans from the audience mesmerized by the Potion Master.
Of course, hearing all these lovely girly moans all at once was quite a shock for Snape who suddenly felt surrounded, at the mercy of these love-crazed girls [HEY!] … euh and boys who at that very moment would have traded their mothers for a simple tender look upon their person by the ensnaring teacher of the day.
"STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!" Snape was livid, he simply didn't know how to deal with such a problem, it had never occurred to him before: he yelled, he deducted points, he handed out detentions, he simply came in somewhere and it would suffice to gain control of his students. Or he would be insulted, tortured, hexed, humiliated or whatnot, but this he had not a single clue!
[Ma-ow!]” Call for help!!” Corvus meowed while clawing at his master to wake him up.
Snape suddenly snapped back to reality (again): "MINERVA!!!!!!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, and just as with any war cry he suddenly felt brave once again to make his way through the insane mob up to the Great Hall. He cast a blocking spell to keep his fan club out, at which point a certain Scottish professor was already scurrying towards him in alert.
"What's the matter, Severus!? What has happened to make you look so pale? I mean, even paler than usual." said the worried older woman.
"Minerva, this is a nightmare!" he had started in a higher tone, but seeing how the remaining students having breakfast turned their heads, he continued in a hushed way, leading Minerva back to the Head table, grabbing her right arm to make sure she did not dissaparrate, "The students outside these doors are insane! They have been giving some sort of … self-delayed love potion because they are raving mad about me. Professing their undying love for me and worst yet, offering me Valentines so appallingly out of taste I almost had a heart attack." They had reached the teachers' table by now and believe me, they were all ears!!
"Looks like you already had it, my dear" she answered in a patronizing tone. "Come off it, Severus, these are young ladies [HEY!!] … and boys who admire you. You should be proud of that."
"WHAT?!?" it echoed through the hall. Then through his teeth, "Are you sure you haven't rolled in catnip one too many this morning? I'm not saying Hooch and Sybil are again hitting on me, I'm saying part of this school is seriously poisoned, the proof being their claiming their … 'love' for me as if it were what they'd like on their epitaph. And you are telling me not to worry?!" He had suffered too much pressure already, as if a dragon was about to burst out of his chest. He simply couldn’t keep his voice down anymore.
"But it's Valentine's Day, Severus!" Minerva explained as saying something as equally obvious as 'potions are drank, Severus!'.
"I don't care, I want you to get rid of these gooey-eyed girls - [HOY!] and boys, darn it! I don’t care how you do it: transfigure them into rocks so we can throw them at the bottom of the lake to cool them down or even transfigure them into frogs and have them kissed by some rabbits who’ll be Oh how rejoiced to mate with them but GET RID OF THEM NOW!! "
"All right, all right! Don't pull your knickers in a knot." Minerva hurried to the door a little festered.
"Good!" (Oh please, dear Merlin, let this day be over soon.) At which point Severus finally noticed the decoration: hearts everywhere, floating and professing words of love and friendship to whomever they landed near to, the walls decorated with long curtains of red and white (Gryffindor colour, too! No wonder he hates this holiday!), couples happily smiling at each other… and Sybil and Hooch having their eyes on him… in a very intense bothering sort of way…. Actually, it was getting so annoying that little could he set his attentions on the decorations anymore… There seemed a danger approaching at hundred hour.
[Rrrmeow!] Warning, warning!
Being wise and cunning, our hero understood what it meant and made for the left side door, but the ladies caught up with him in a dash… to his great despair.
"Hello, Severus! How are you doing today?" asked Hooch, her eyes in hunting cat mode.
“Oh, Severus!” Sybil purred, “I read something extremely important in your tea cup today”
“Really?,” he answered looking as
uninterested as if they were both some house-elves, “I’m sure it must have been
disastrous, Sybil, but what is yet unclear is the fact that you are standing
there ogling me. Shouldn’t you be warning the media that
“Ha ha ha!,” roared the bottle-eyed freak, “I knew it! So you do want to make love to me, Severrrussss!” Emphasizing his name in such a way has got to be a new winning entry on Snape’s Top-Ten Mental Image List. Actually, had he been in front of a toilet seat, he would not have hesitated to regurgitate the breakfast he still had to eat.
Then, in a flash Madame Hooch threw Sybil on the floor using her muscular body and literally jumped on our poor Severus, legs circling his waist. Before Severus realised what was happening to him –
[Merouwou!] I know, I know! She’s riding a broom!
Indeed, our intelligent little cat was right as all around the Great Hall could hear her say:
“You, my dear, are the hottest dish around! Please tell me you’ll let me ride you ‘til we drop dead on the Quidditch pitch?” She was Wild with a capital W!
“Hooch!! Cease this or I’ll show you exactly how a miniaturised broom feels inside of your body when I suddenly release the spell and it comes back to its original length!”
“Oh, but Severus,” she pleaded while caressing his hair, “You never allow me to have any fun with you. Please let me do this for you, I promise my eyes match my cattish sensuality!” Then she attacked his ear fiercely, almost coming off with a piece. “Rrroarw!”
[Grrrrrrrr!!] Hey! Nobody attacks MY master!
Corvus jumped on her, sprawled on the floor where Snape had thrown her the moment she bit his ear. And so, while Corvus entered into a cat fight with Hooch, Severus checked on his ear to make sure it was intact. He didn’t feel like visiting Pomphrey any time soon of course.
“Come, Corvus, you might catch some flea. We’re out of this madhouse!”
They ran as fast as their two and four legs could carry them. Down below in the dungeons where a secret emergency door lay unbeknown. They only had one more door to cross and the ante-chamber would reveal the precious door of freedom and sanity!
… But faith played hard on our black heroes… When Snape opened the door with a bang, let Corvus in and sealed it, he realised they were not alone.
"Oh no! Who let you in?"
"Why” said Lockhart in his most charming voice, “that lovely Scottish lady, she could not resist my god-like charms of course!"
"Oh Merlin!” But Snape wouldn’t let a pinky-cutey get the better of him and the most cunning man in Hogwarts would not be bestest yet. “Didn't you say Muggle techniques still worked on you?" Snape asked while resting his hands on his knees, hunched forward and trying to catch his breath.
"Why yes, why do you ask, Lollipop?"
"Because I want to make sure before I do this!" he said while punching Lockhart-darling in the face! His fingers hurt, his hand hurt, his whole arm was shaky but thank Merlin, Snape felt wonderful for the first time since he woke up.
"Ha ha ha!" Snape laughed in an almost maniacal way. Then, in a mocked tone, he looked at Lockhart spread harmless on the ground "Oh! I'm sorry, dearest" he added with emphasis, "but I'm afraid I mistook you for a house-elf cupid with all this pink and red!"
[MEW!] Hurray!! Now that's my master!!
"Come, Corvus," he told his cat with a wry smile, "time to visit a certain Rita Skeeter!" And they ran for their lives.
In the meantime of course, the plot was in want of more Lockhart, so by an extraordinary coincidence, Dobby passed by and enervated Lockhark, who in turn chased after Snape.
“Oh darling! Don’t run so fast, I am wearing high heels you know!”
Snape turned around, murderous. He slowly raised his hand, aiming at Lockhearts-of-lovely-petunias.
“Oh, Seveykins, love! Wait for m –
He never finished his sentence for he was knocked hard on the grass through Severus’ strongest punch ever. Seeing his torturer like this, Snape advanced on him, his eyes ablaze with fury and disgust. All he wanted was to make someone pay for all this, oh yes, he would make sure Lockhart looked like a troll when he woke up.
But his plans of revenge were soon overturned by the apparition of a dozen aurors around him for they had but reached the apparition limit of Hogwarts.
"What's the meaning of this?" he asked quickly, wand down, looking unsuspicious. Even Corvus looked relaxed and started licking himself out of pure Slytherinness.
"Severus Snape, you are thereby convicted and sentenced to a lifetime sentence in Azkaban for the murder of Gilderoy Lockhart, the new (now late) Minister for Magic. You can remain silent. – "
"WHAT?!?" he barked. "Did you take a debilitating potion or were you all his padded cell mates? This is completely insane, I did not kill him I only punched him for heaven's sake! Look at the mark on his forehead!" pointing at the moaning pinky hearty form of Lockhart lying on the ground.
"No matter, murderer, we have orders and it says here that you killed him.”
“But he’s alive! See!,” he kicked Lockhart’ sides who in turn shrieked like a girl, “He’s alive, you idiots!”
“Er… maybe, but Minister Lockhart has already signed your condemnation for murder.”
“What?! How can this be?! He only met me an hour ago -”
“Oh, Snapidou dear,” answered the lump of frizzly lace on the ground, “I’m sorry but I was so certain you would not be happy to see me that I thought good to leave this warrant in case it turned ugly. I hope you aren’t cross with me now, lovely pumpkin!”
“Why you, sissi! I can’t believe in this travesty, you can’t be Minister it’s preposterous and – “
“Do not insult Minister Lockhart! He’s God!”
"Wait a minute, why do you call him God, you ninnies! See!” he said while kicking Lockhart again and again until Lockhart lost consciousness, “he’s feeling pain and can even faint.”
“Yes, exactly, you killed him again!”
“How can you charge me with the death of a ‘God’! Don't you see this is all wrong? Am I the only one to see what is truly going on here?!"
“Those are just worthless details. I have a warrant and I shall use it!”
Severus was not only furious, he was berserk! “I want an attorney, I want a trial, I want to be bloody out of this nightmare, I want your head on a platter with mint jelly, I want my cat!!”
[Meooo] I’m here!
“Capture the cat and give him to the Aurors for target practising”
“NOOOOO!! You won’t touch a single hair of – ”
[Screeching sound] Help!! No, let me go!
“Run, Corvus!!” But it was too late, an Auror had caught him and dissapparated with him, surely off to the Ministry building.
“Come back here, you bastard!!” shouted an incensed Snape.
“Save your breath, you'll need it when the female Dementors catch sight of you."
"Female?" Snape dared ask while, at the back of his mind, he feared the answer.
"Ah ha! Now you’re quivering!” the auror laughed. "Yes, females! Thanks to our new God-Minister whom we shall resurrect when we're done with you, all Dementors have been ordered to become females so they could at least – 'entertain their guests'. You should be happy Minister Lockhart is so generous!"
"Entertaining Dementor females?!" Snape said in utmost confusion though already shivering from the kind of 'attentions' those 'ladies' would provide. "You can't be serious, nor can you be about Lockhart or my murdering him. Again, I demand a trial!"
"Sorry, Severus" said Lockhart in a sad tone while standing on his feet again. "Now that you've killed me, I'm afraid I can't do anything for you." More cheerfully he added: "But don't you fear, I will personally make sure that you are well treated by the Azkaban personnel and that you be assign Vanessa. She's quite good I assure you!"
Snape was now verging on the side of madness, he wanted to shout his innocence since the very 'Minister' was standing alive in front of him and he wanted to run and protect his faithful cat. But these aurors didn't look like the bright type. Hell, they took Gilderoy for a Minister; even a flubberworm wouldn't do that! "Think, Severus, you have to get out of here. This can't be happening, you've worked so hard for the Order to avoid ending up there, there has got to be a way out. This is a nightmare, no, there is no word to describe how horrible this is. I can't think, I am at my wits end, I am convicted to Azkaban by a clown, nobody believes me, nobody can save me, even my cat was kidnapped. I'm doomed, I know. I've got to end this, maybe there is a cliff nearby where I can –"
But his train of thoughts was stopped when the aurors apparated away to Azkaban, the place Severus feared the most, after Voldemort's house.
"Well, Severus" mentioned Lockhart, "looks like I'll see you again in one year. I'll make sure to visit on Valentine's Day next year and bring you chocolates while we are entertained by the fantastic Vanessa!" Lockhart looked his cheery idiotic self and almost got the urge to stay.
"Come you, scumbag!" the auror shouted at Snape.
"No, no, you can't do this. I'm innocent, don't leave me alone in there, I don't care what you make me do but don't leave me there – " Severus rued all he could but to no avail. The gates closed on him while Lockhart looked from the other side.
"Wait, gentlemen! I forgot to give Severus my leaving gift. Here!" He pointed his wand at Severus' clothes which instantly transfigured into the exact replica of Lockhart's. "That's to remind you of me when you feel down, my friend!"
"AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! NOOOO! YOU CAN'T, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE"
"Severus!! Wake up!! Wake up, Severus, talk to me! You're having nightmares, wake up!!!" said the Headmaster with urgency.
With a final "AAAAhhh!" of terror, Severus woke with a start, wet and his heart beating so fast he thought it would burst out of his chest. He looked in all directions, expecting Vanessa the 'lovely' dementor to come and torture him but all he could see were concerned people, his friends, hunched over his hospital bed.
“Stay away from me, you lunatics!” he shouted at the visitors. They all looked confused, and Albus drew nearer to assess the situation better, but of course Snape reacted immediately: “Get your hands off me, you pervert!”
“Oh my!” a concerned Albus said. “It must have been worst than we expected.”
"Dear Severus," said McGonagall, "how horrifying you sounded. You were shouting and kicking and you looked in so much pain"
"Give me way, please" said Poppy barging in. "I need to check on our patient. I know you all are worried about him, but fear not, he will be as good as new soon"
"What… what happened?" asked Snape. He was so tired and felt like he'd just fought a dragon empty handed.
"I'm so sorry, my friend!" said
the Headmaster in a worried tone, making sure to keep his distances. "There
was an accident in your classroom yesterday, and you ingested a mouthful of the
Draught of Delirium. But we couldn't get a hold of it before now so you had to
suffer never-ending nightmares until we could find enough of the draught in all
the apothecaries of
"Nightmares?!" he spat with what little might he still had. "How could those be nightmares, there is no word to describe what I have just lived through!" His eyes were glazed and his expression vacant as he spoke: "It was like a hundred boggarts attacking me all at once, it was… it was…. "
"Calm down now, you are safe! Here, take some chocolate" Albus offered.
"Ah!!" Snape screamed in panic. "No hearts, no hearts! Get them away from me!"
"Strange," observed McGonagall. "I know he never liked Valentine's Day, but it looks like he's phobic now."
"Poppy, please bring us your rectangular bars of chocolate, I'm afraid Severus cannot ingest anything else at the moment" called Albus to the mediwitch.
"My cat? Where is my cat? Did he run away from the aurors?"
[Mier-r-r-ow] I'm here, silly! Why would I run away?!
"Thank Merlin you're here!!" Severus whispered to his cat's ears, holding him so close Corvus found it hard to breathe. But he didn't care at that moment, his master was safe and that was all that mattered. And in his feline head, he sure wished his master would appreciate the Valentine mice he had caught while waiting impatiently in the hospital wing.
[RR-YOWWW-EEOW-RR-YOW-OR] A happy Valentine's Day to everyone!! The End!