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August 22nd, 2004 - An owl from Lupin

 

Dear Journal,

darn Lupin!  Meddlesome Gryffindor he is. Couldn't leave me alone to my misery and wound licking. No, he had to go and write me this almost soapy letter I got.  And I can't even write him back, his owl flew away the second it had accomplished its mission. Lupin is on vacation in some remote place only Merlin knows of, and I, infuriatingly so, cannot send it back. Wait until he crosses the threshold of Hogwarts once back for the new school year. I'll make sure he is reachable then!

So, why am I upset?! Well, let's just say his sappy letter engendered sappy hope in me of all people. Why is it that humans have to confine in hope even in the direst situations? Isn't it enough that we suffer, we have to hope for something better no matter what!  How truly masochist of us! I have never heard of another race as hopeful as ours. It is shameful. Why should I trust him more than anybody else?  Because Albus told me to? Right! That is what he told me each time I was the butt of the Marauder's jokes. "Don't be so distrustful, Severus. Not everyone is like that..." High hopes indeed! I know I said I wanted to, perhaps, further acquaint myself with him, leave the past where it lies, but on my own terms and conditions. His letter screws it up for me. I feel horrified at my reaction to him the day he will come back here. What if I betray my sudden warming up to him? Blast him for that. I know he would just throw me one of his innocent boyish smiles, and be all happy about it. Darn the furball.

And also, how did he come to be interested in my career change?  He had the nerve to tell me he had heard over the branches about my interest in Advanced Alchemy at the Ministry. Impossible annoying Gryffindor bluntness!  No appreciation for subtlety! What's more, he sends his regrets at my leaving!  As if he cared!  Well, maybe he does, I do not know his mind is too hard to decipher for me thanks to his blatant lack of organization and logic due to his over emotional side... oh, what of it now? He says he understands how I think he is indeed meddling with my business or how he is annoying by doing so... How can he be less transparent than I on that matter? Is it because I cannot logically explain his behaviour towards me? Maybe so... but he knew I would say that, just like I knew he would meddle in my affairs if I told him. We may be on the same stand for that matter, understanding a bit of each other as it comes... maybe.

The part of his letter that surprised me the most though, was when he wrote all of those positive comments about me. It was scary at which point he was able to identify my recklessness at not being able to do my talents justice here, but especially how he was able to ignite a last inner-spark about not having wasted my time here after all. I know I should just shove it off as Gryffindor over-analysis or over-emotionality, but somehow I wished it was not so. But he has a point: I tried my best to instill a modicum of instruction and education in those dunderheads for all of my time here even though my almost masochist intellectual "methods" were never appreciated.  Giving your very best was always my first value when it came to teaching, and I never relent on that. Never. Even though people looked at me from behind and whispered in my back. But here comes Lupin acknowledging that very thing everyone else categorized as taboo in my presence. Darn fleaball! Of course, he does not agree of it, but he seems to understand the logic behind it at the very least, which is already an exploit in itself. But why is this acknowledgment so important to me that I should find myself writing and wondering about it in my personal journal?! How infuriating!  Can't he leave me in peace to mourn on myself like everyone else? Why did he have to write that and why was I stupid enough to read it?  Surely I should have known better at my age.  Emotions bring only torment and more sorrow therefore not indulging in them is by far the best solution. Yet, my poor weak human heart fights against that cold logic. I wish I could tore it out of my chest at times and be over with my emotional ordeals. Hope. That's all our human hearts live for.

Hope for something better, but hope for immoderation as well. Humans as so unbalanced beings, it's as if a Veela stood at each end of our miserable existence. Whatever you do, you will always be drawn to one end or another.  When you do horrible and selfish things, you end up in the arms of Dark Veela, but Light Veela is just as dangerous because though you may have started off your journey to save the whole world with some stupid beliefs you held dear, you will end up doing excessive things about it with Light Veela. Religions are the archetype of such Light Veela's victims. When you fall head over heel in a religious institution, you are just as unbalanced as any Death Eater. You loose yourself to the demands of human invented religions. Not that I don't believe in God. But I certainly do not believe in human institutions anymore that involve sentiments. Humans are unbalanced hence corrupted on either ends of it. And those who refuse to admit it are the most dangerous of the lot. I learned my lesson the hard way with the Dark Lord. The Dark Veela. I did horrible things in that human institution because I was greedy and I wanted power. But is that not what lots of religious groups do? Their leaders find flocks of sheep to rule over, rule by fear of God's wrath on them.  Rare are those who can make the difference between believes and the institutions making up rules as to which believes are false or not.  I have no doubts some incredibly good people start off a religion with nothing but goodness to share and wisdom. I mean, Albus could easily start his whenever he wanted to. But what I find difficult is how people just follow. Following, how dangerous. Following is allowing your whole being to be taken over by rules instated by others. Is it not what happened to me once marked by the Dark Mark?  Of course, when some religious groups start off, the wisest (hence guru of the group) is there to share his wisdom, but when other factions of the group spread all over a region or country?  Then more often then not, the likes of Lucius Malfoy sneak themselves up to the top, and then this is where everything goes wrong.  And what if, even next to Albus, my personal being does not agree with him? If he allows me no right to be different, to have a different experience, then how can I trust him? Yet, how many millions of people trust such institutions in the world?

No, I will never offer my soul up to some guru anymore. I know now. Nor will I let myself be guided blindly by Ministry officials or the likes. True I may vote for one which fits my values best, but after that, I need to watch out still, not let myself be led like a sheep. Human institutions... we are all bound to be unbalanced, so why try to hide the truth? If only we accepted that we all are the same, then wouldn't it be easier? This is what infuriates me so often, unconscious presumptuous students or adults, thinking they are so right because they never committed themselves to the Dark Lord like I did. But aren't they worst than I in their own views when I see them faithfully following religious traditions?! Have they never noticed how its leaders were only humans, therefore bound to be egoist and unworthy? If all those hurried whispering behind my back accepted they were none the best, then yes, there would be hope for humans, and human institutions. But until that day, I am afraid I shall keep myself locked up here as much as possible. Dunderheads!  

Which brings me back to Lupin. He said I may be tired to be the school's most hated teacher. Right in one, Lupin. Incredible how you could be so perceptive yet grace me with his boyish smiles at times! But the more I think about it, the more I see it is not students I am the more uncomfortable with. I am much more deceived by adults than anyone else. Adults, by definition, should be the wisest and intelligent, but over the years, I found that to be completely rubbish. And among those I thought teachers were one of the exceptions, again I was painfully wrong. Humans, that's what they all are. Unbalanced poor little humans living off their lives for the sake of it, nothing more. Rare have been those I could call "adequately balanced" humans like Albus, Minerva... Lupin? I still do not know about him. The only thing that is sure is how, if I allow myself to come nearer to any other human being, I will get hurt. That must be the one constancy in our lives I'm afraid. Being hurt. Fortunately, when those rare humans who are not so unbalanced show up, then there is a chance at minimizing the risks of being hurt and accepted. Indeed. Those are my best bets, and even then, I could never completely trust them. Just as they might for me if they have some common sense. They know I can hurt them, and that they can hurt me, but as long as we know about it, then it's not so bad. And I believe Lupin may just have understood that. I hope so - here goes Hope again. Hope must have some Gryffindor and Slytherin  origins: it's all shiny, happy and warm, yet it's also sly, sneaky and will survive by saving its skin no matter the situation!

I told you there is nothing we can do against hope!

 

Severus