August 8th, 2004 - Enraged
We were all talking together, having a meeting before the beginning of the year as always. We do that so we can enjoy the end of our vacation free of stress! We only apparate there for a day and we are gone the next until the school year starts. But then of course as in any meetings, there had to be small talks and more socializing afterwards. Could not hang on to school matters only. Albus says it's good for cohesion in our school. To hell with cohesion! They've really made me angry!
It's that Trelawney twit again! Albus wants me to be nice to her, but
how can I be so when faced with such a nittwit!! So I gauge my patience every
year! Once again, I was not able to keep my temper in check. When
she had hollowed a couple of stupidities at us, I could not retain myself anymore.
I had to put a stop to it. I had to prove her wrong. Then, I told
her back what was wrong with her most recent declaration, but she got fed up
herself and threw in a tantrum. Then of course, since I am the most comprehensible
of the two, Albus thought it would do well to try to give reason to the Seer-dunce
so that she would shut up. I know
From then on, I just shut up and remained sitted for a while, talking to the wall and doing nothing. That was alright, my anger was in check for those heavenly moments of respise. However, such bliss can not go for long. Albus asked me to join in again, to meddle a bit, and that I should not have been so childish. Damn him! Who's childish? And even if I am, what's so wrong with wanting recognition and wanting people to know you are right, and not your adversary!? Eh? What is so wrong with that?! I said I didn't want to join in his little party, but he insisted. I retorted something sarcastic and sour, so that got the attention of everyone! Great!! They looked at me with even more comtempt, and threw some advice at me! "Oh, don't be difficult, Severus!" "Why do you want to go?" "Why are you being difficult!?" "We are here to socialise, don't ruin the party!" "Stay here with us and try to be cheerful for once" ...
Those came from everywhere, bombarding me. The one that did it though was "No wonder he is alone! He will never find anyone with such an attitude!" Of course that was only the blast off for more. Then there was the "Yes, you're right!" and then the "I am so certain he never will..." and the "Of course he'll always be alone with such an attitude..." I was already on my way out to rejoin the confort of my dungeons when I heard that last comment before shutting the door. My rooms are still as I left them at the beginning of the summer after all. Do you know how hearing that hurts?! Do you think I prefer being an arrogant bastard than being a nice polished sociable man like the others?! I was already sensitive thanks to Albus not taking my defence and supporting the psychopath, now they all got onto it and brought me down. I don't want to be difficult, I just am, I just feel trapped there with everyone. I am so unskilled at socializing that it hurts me to no end! Can't they see that?! I'm so pumped up right now still! I tried my best to still fit in after I got angry at Trelawney, I really tried, but the anger was lingering and so volitile. I could not do it. So I stayed there and prayed nobody would address me until I could get a modicum of control back in my voice. That was wishful thinking! Albus came too fast! He is not the infallible man we all think he is. That was a mistake of him to come to me in this state. And I swear, those comments when I departed... they would have said "Once a death eater, always a death eater" for sure had they not feared Dumbledore's wrath. Because he does defend me quite strongly on that particular subject. I'm sure he even made a little speech or quiet "shut-up" eyes to everyone after I left, trying to convince them... or he just remained silent on the subject.
Well, at least Remus did not say anything. Good enough. But back to the "he'll always be alone" quotes. Don't they know that those hurt more than a crusius?! No surely they don't. Too goody-goody and ignorant, but at the same time, they are not as clear as they want to believe themselves to be!! No one is as clear as a crystal. We all have our flaws and horrible mistakes hidden somewhere. Is it so bad that some of mine do come up in public while others are so extremely good at hiding them from society's eye? When people shun me like they did tonight, it just reminds me of how vain they really are. They feel so confident and proud to not be like me, they truly congratulate themselves. But let me tell you a secret, once out of any observer's eye, they are just the same lowly humans as I. Yes! Just as low and flaw-driven as anyone else. At least I don't pretend to being better and flawless in front of others! I have my own temper and assume it. Well, most of the time anyway. I concede I do so with knowledge, but when it comes to my human nature, I am not as blind as they all are.
I just needed time alone to cool down after I got angry, that's all. Just time to myself, alone to cool off. Not to be stuck in a room full of people and so many opportunities to blow off again. No! Yet, when I tried to leave, Albus said no. He wanted me upstairs. But I insisted, I said I was not up to it. He managed to make me feel guilty, and that is when it all got worst! They all stuck up their noses and shared their own thoughts on my attitude. And it escalated to the "He'll always be alone" platitudes which I would have given a lot to not hear at all. Some days, you wish you were deaf! One such day was today!
The whole day had gone pretty well though. It was just the last minutes. I don't know, but I got weary. All of the sudden, all I wanted was some tranquility. I spend my summer days pretty far from any society at all, so maybe it was all too much at once for my poor nerves. My unsocially adapted nerves that is! Sigh! Why is it always like that? Some days, it works perfectly well, and some... well you know! I have to mention I have barely slept well for the last weeks. Sleeping potions are not much help. They lull me to sleep ( a little but not much anymore) and they do not stop nightmares from occuring. Eats up on your resting time let me tell you! Dreamless potions never work, too. But I think I mentioned it before.
Look at me! Repeating myself to a journal! (Sigh) Tomorrow, we have an outing with Albus, Minerva and Lupin. Great! I'll just head off to sleep and try to forget the whole thing so that I can get my temper in check until then. Or else, our day will be ruined. Let's just hope they will not come back on the subject. Minerva and Lupin, they won't I'm sure. But Albus... He always wants to make things clear and blablabla. I often do need to clear things up, but not now it seems. It's so easy to talk to him when he is not involved, but tonight, I got angry at him, too. Oh Dear!! I wish I could just drop asleep now! Well, I will try anyway. I have to do my night routine, that's all.
Alright, off to bed with you, Severus. Let's hope Morpheus is forgiveful to me tonight!!
(Still up an hour later)
Albus did come down all the way here after all. Wanted to clear things up like I had predicted. When I heard him knock on the door (there is no doubt that after I lost my temper nobody but Albus would present to my door), my heart sank into my stomach. Argh! I did not want to sort things out tonight though I am glad he came. I feared the retaliation, and I knew I was heading for more anger and pain if I had to defend my point once again tonight. Surprisingly, he was not there to frown on me. He just came down to make sure I was alright, what had gone wrong, if there was anything I did not tell him, and that he did calm down the rumors going rampant up there because he knew I did not deserve them. That surprised me of course, or rather, I had hoped for it but being such a pessimist and always feeling rejected led me to the wrong conclusion about his actions after my departure. I told him I just felt trapped and couldn't stand society anymore, that I was tired and fed up, and that what hurt the most had been those awful comments about my greatest weakness, being alone. Albus just laughed, assuring me I should not listen to them, that I was not as they depicted me, that I was more but just needed a different approach.... So I just listened to him, calmly, my rage gone... Hum! No wonder Albus never feared facing the Dark Lord! He can lull my rages in such simple words sometimes... "Are you ok, Severus? I came down to see if you were alright and what had transpired at the party... Is there something I should know?..." Oh! Such simple words to melt down my concerns for the night. Of course the comments of my co-workers still linger in my head tonight, but at least they do not sting anymore... because someone cares. Someone came down here because he was worried for me... Though my heart still refuses to give all in to this peaceful feeling, I can find some confort there. I know I over-reacted, that I could not help it. I hate myself so much for it and that is why I react so much. Especially when someone contradicts me. The pressure of perfection I impose of myself is so that I cannot think right sometimes. I know that, it's just hard not raising to my own-implimented bait.
At least I can go to sleep now. I may not be able to sleep as sound as I wish, but my mind will be a little more at peace. When you are a man like me, always frustrated and pejorative about life, you have got to hang to all those respite in any way you can. I will try to tonight though I am not delusional enough to believe I will leave all I heard tonight at my bedfoot. No. They will follow me under the covers, creep out on me the more I try to relax.... but at least, I have Albus' words to help me keep them at bay long enough to fall asleep. Yes, sleep. I will try now. As long as it takes... like always.