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August 5th, 2004 - Another sleepless night

 

Dear Journal,


Why am I here yet again at 1:38am?!  What is wrong with me? I ask you, Journal!  I know you won't tell me the answer. It's a hopeless cause like myself.  I should know by now that it's hopeless to get any sleeping done while my mind is working like mad over past images, past moments which I had rather forgotten.  It's no use fleeting them by day, they always come back to hunt me down at night when I am the most vulnerable. When I try to relax...   Yet, my present state has nothing to fear but it will not do. Even though I am on vacation, at home, peacefully blessed by the silence of my own manor, I cannot find rest.  Past worries always get the better of me. They invade my soul like vultures on a weak prey.  That must be why they always assail me at night. During the day, I can keep busy, my mind is otherwize fulfilled, but when night creeps in... then all hell is loose on my poor mind. Memories, fears of the past and future come to get me, to torture me. A thousand images and scenarios all replaying themselves in my poor tired head each night before I surrender to slumber... I'm so sick of it!  After the ordeals of last year when the Dark Lord was defeated, you would think I would rest peacefully once more. But no, it was never meant to be. I was always in for uneasiness, I was.  

I have had nightmares ever since I was young. My fears were so different then, related to what children can fear: fire, being lost, being scolded, being beaten... Of course some were very legitimate, especially the beatings.  But tonight, really do I have to dwell on that?  Will that psychological analysis of my unhappy childhood truly be the appropriate cure to my sleeplessness? I doubt it somehow.  I have lived with it all of my life, why would now be different?  No, I have to look elsewhere for answers. What about my present?  

There are some issues indeed, and they do come back within the cornucopia of images that assail my brain.  One of my few friends, an old Potions Master whom I highly regard,  was supposed to invite me over this summer. He told me he would floo me right after the school year end... but as you can guess that never happened. Yet, he seemed like he did wanted to see me.  I am still looking forward to spending a day at his place, but why is that? Shouldn't I be sadder to have been forgotten than expectant of a call?  Darn hope!  It will not let me rest and forget the invitation. If I did, if I could then it would not come back to my face every night. Each night I am faced with the same question: to floo or not to floo.  That is the question indeed! Will I look like a darn hush puppy if I call on him before he does. Because last time we talked, he did say he would be the one to contact me.  I told him he should choose when was more appropriate since I was the unbusy one.  Was that wise?  It seemed logical at least.  Now, I am stuck fearing to be considered too pressing!  Oh joy!!  Why are human relationships so complicated?  Or is it just me believing they are?  Maybe I should just call him and be over with it. But on the other hand, I do fear to hear him make up an excuse for not calling me as we had agreed. I fear his excuse a lot more than anything else come to think of it.  "Oh! That's right, I forgot you, Severus! I was so busy with my life that I did not think twice about it! So sorry, really"  How am I to answer to that?!?  "I'm happy you've had such a wonderful time that you actually forgot about me, but can you now hold on to your invitation because I am truly looking forward to it, ever since you proposed actually", I could answer. But all credibility and falseties would be lost, wouldn't they!  The "Oh no! No problem, I had forgotten about it, too! No harm done really", I could say to save the face. However, I do not know if I will be able to uphold this social niceties as expected from me.  I'm so sick of it!  I was forgotten, damn it!  Why should I not make him feel as bad about it as I feel bad from his forgetfulness?  Why should I be so kind?!  Because I still want his frienship of course, and eventually that invitation, but if I were true to myself, I would make innuendos when I next floo him. Maybe a good compromise would be: "Well, I thought you had forgotten about me, so I called on you!  You must be busy!"  That could both carry out my purpose, right?  But am I strong enough to actually say it?  Without looking like a victim?  A victim that I have been ever since the end of June when I noticed his lack of call...

It is so hard not to fall a victim of my life. I feel rejected and persecuted everywhere, so it is not pretty easy to do!  I am the constant victim, the forgotten one. And I make it even more bad with my withdrawn attitude, and my fear of calling him.  But once in my life, don't I deserve for someone to think about me instead of forgetting me?!  Am I such a bad person that life leaves me wondering all the time when my friends will call on me?!  I am deeply hurt, and the only way to cope I know is to fall victim, to ruminate the whole thing again and again, feeling even gloomier by the days until I lose all hope...  Why should I be the one to call on him first?!  I don't want to hear his excuse!  I want him to floo me before I do, to know that somewhere in him he found a place for me. He found time for me. Just once...   

Why is it I was always the one to call on my "friends"?  See, I'm using quotation marks for that word now!  Great!  Positive thinking, here I come!  But yes, why was I always the investigator in my relationships with others?  Even with those I tried to be nice with, and still try, I was always the one who would call first.  Rarely did they call before I did.  Is this some kind of hidden rule or game I was not informed of?  You have to stand as long as possible your call until the other flinches!?  Is that it?  Does it ever happen to them?  I was always left wondering....   

Well, that is one thing down. My other next stress is my resume. Yes, I said resume.  I do not have any engagements to hold towards Albus now, and I always wondered if a change of career would do me good.... Of course, I am still not convinced myself, hence my resume is not up-to-date at all!  No surprises there.  What is I send them and get some answers? What if I get none?  How tragic for me to stand between two hypothetical fears!  That is me all over, Minerva would say.  Suspicious in everything, especially my capabilities.  Indeed, what if I get some interviews, what will I do?  What if I make a fool of myself during one?  Would my reputation be ruined?  I know I would replay the interviews forever in my head afterwards, cursing my every mistakes, so why indulge in them while I am still pretty comfortable here at Hogwarts?  To realise my full potential?!  Well, yes that would be the whole point, but leaving security to accomplish yourself is not something people usually look forward to, right!  Better off secure afterall.

And what if I don't get any answers?!  Is that because of me or the lack of positions?!  I know my head would also ponder all the possibilities before it came to rest.  Hence, here I am, faced with horrible perspectives thanks to my natural pessimism!  Good!!  And I thought I was going nowhere!  Ha,ha!  But really, why should I endeavour in resume postage to end up at night with my head full of questions and doubts?!  Oh!  This will take more than a night to solve that problem!  I have asked myself this question ever since those thoughts came to haunt me at night, so I should know.  

At least, I'm feeling more sleepy now.  There is hope for me yet!  At least I get sleepy.  I will have to solve my issue about my friend tomorrow morning, or rather today come to think of it!  It's 2:20 now.  Alright, off to bed for some more turning around!  It is a shame there is no Olympics for that discipline, I could surely win England a medal or two!  

Severus